hopeful beirut

fictional speech - class 2009

2010-09-19T17:20:00.000+03:00

Rummaging through my old emails, i found a fictional speech i was asked to write for an English class... it struck me as insightful, and more relevant to me now than ever before...

To the Graduating Class of 2009:

Today, you stand before family and friends, ready to embark on a new phase of your life.

All you have gone through has been in preparation for this moment, when you graduate from university and become once again a student of Life. And Life is a hard teacher, always giving drop quizzes when you least expect them, and changing the rules as soon as you get comfortable. Life is a challenge, a riddle, and it will take all your strength to figure it out.

You see, up till now, you had everything planned out; you were going to work hard, go to classes, meet people, and make friends. You were living up to other people's expectations, and now it is time to set your own. What will be the milestones that define your existence, and what cause will you passionately strive for?

People often make the mistake of judging their success in life by the career titles they accumulate, the car they drive, where they live, or what people say about them. They judge themselves through other people's eyes and they are always found lacking. They think they can always do it better, buy a later version, or be seen at a trendier restaurant. Yet, they are rarely satisfied, and are always lacking self-esteem, because they have not defined what they stand for, and as the saying goes, "if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything."

So I stand before you here today to tell you to fill your hearts with enthusiasm and your minds with reason, and use them to navigate through the new adventures that are beckoning. Conquer your fears and do not allow them to keep you from achieving your full potential.

Stop for a moment to imagine the world without Steve Jobs, Mother Theresa, Gibran or Thomas Edison. They faced adversity and criticism but they didn't allow that to affect their state of mind or the strength of their conviction; and thanks to their vision, perseverance, and courage, the world is now a much better place.

These are just a few examples of the pioneers who heralded new beginnings. They have stood the test of time and will be forever remembered as having made a difference, as their names are carved in humanity's collective consciousness.

Therefore, as you embark on this new adventure, which is the rest of your life, take a moment to reflect on what you hold dear, and how you want to leave this world a better place. Balance you life with work, family, friends, and hobbies, and always be open to embrace the winds of change. And most importantly, take charge of your future, and hold yourself to the highest standards, and know that your contribution, no matter how small, will make a difference.

JM Serrat tribute to Miguel Hernandez: Estupendo

2010-09-17T23:17:00.000+03:00

Quote by Mother Theresa

2010-09-17T23:13:00.000+03:00

letting go {past}

2010-09-17T23:11:00.000+03:00

consejos por una noche de suenos...

2010-09-17T23:09:00.000+03:00

internal dialogue by the fountain

2010-09-16T13:34:00.000+03:00

Quote from Lope

2010-09-16T13:30:00.000+03:00

restaurant reviews :)

2010-09-16T13:27:00.002+03:00

note to self

2010-09-16T13:25:00.002+03:00

illustrated inspirations

2010-09-08T13:14:00.000+03:00


there is never nothing going on... peaceful warrior

20 poemas y una cancion desesperada... neruda

le petit prince.... st. exupery

1 week in MADRID

2010-09-08T13:10:00.000+03:00

First day in Madrid, with R.

Navigating the Bureaucratic Jungle

Sequences below are journey maps, dated accordingly.

and a new adventure unfolds

2010-08-30T10:45:00.000+03:00

Quoting & Illustrating Rumi

2010-08-30T10:33:00.001+03:00

heart flow

2010-08-11T12:59:00.001+03:00

time capsule clean-up

2010-08-10T08:10:00.000+03:00

entering into a room which has kept watch over so many loved ones in my family, and where i now surrender to a deep slumber every night... looking around at the clutter, outer manifestation of inner turmoil, and i start to shift... through the bags and boxes, the papers and dreams, the memories long forgotton, and those that bleed still...

each object a time capsule, with embedded emotions and achievements, each piece expecting to survive the clean-up and not be thrown away, into oblivion and forgetfulness...

yesterday i got rid of excess baggage, and at some point it tricked me into believing i was ok, immune, and i could deal with it all... it wasn't until nightfall that i realized the toll it had on my heart, and how it had kept me in the house all day, and how it had made me feel so sad...

goodbyes never leave me untouched... they have an aftertaste depending on their circumstances... bittersweet, if they're inevitable... sour, if they're forced...spicy if they're for a short while... and cold if they're forever...

in that jumble of things i said goodbye to a person and our dreams together and also to an organization and my growth within it... and just like that, i felt stripped of some pillars of my identity...

and now the room is tidy again, everything meaningful has found a new place and some have kept their old positions, but the overall energy in the room has changed... there is now place to plant new dreams, and space to experiment... an awareness that only comes by letting go...

inspired illustrations

2010-08-06T01:22:00.001+03:00

As promised, uncensored experimentations... in the medium of illustration... inspired by the book "The Forty Rules of Love" by Elif Shafak"... truly beautiful... and definitely worth reading...

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my rings

2010-07-29T10:59:00.000+03:00

over the years, i have found my physical anchor to be a ring.
every finger on every hand is symbolic to me, and the ring itself too.
whether is was a gift, or self bought,
simple or elaborate
expensive or cheap

for me, it has always acted as a symbol
representing commitment
both to myself and towards others

a pact...
made with the heart,
acknowledged by the mind,
and acted upon by the body.

a beacon for my life energy,
and a reminder not to falter,
and to pick myself up after every hardship,
or sweet victory,
and go on...

for many years i have chosen
to wear a ring.

i have carefully selected
its shape, its color and its texture.

embued it with meaning,
and placed it on one of my fingers,
looked at it often during the day,
felt it while i drummed the steering wheel when driving,
and been marked by its imprint on my skin...

each ring was unique.
each stood for a certain dream.
sometimes for a person.

but today, i am wearing a ring for myself:
a commitment to me
to grow
to explore
to heal
to forgive
to hope
to risk
to search
to find
to connect
to be alone
to be at peace

over the course of a year, my right thumb has been graced with 3 different rings,
and this makes sense, for the seasons in me have been changing and evolving,
and at each stage had different needs.

my current ring is a simple steel band, which has been surprisingly hard to find,
and initially came with a little girl figurine...

nothing being random in this world,
it came as a reminder to honor and cherish my feminine side not just my masculine side...
to acknowledge and balance these 2 major forces co-existing in each of us, making us whole.

journey towards re-alignment

2010-07-29T10:36:00.000+03:00

I have been trying to figure out what this blog is about, where it's aiming to go, what is it's contribution, and how it can communicate with others too. Since it is personal and i am currently all over the place, it too has been drifting somehow for the past few months...

Lots of the thoughts crossing my mind these days have to do with belonging, with passion, with goals and with direction.

I am on a journey to re-align, and while i find my right path, i will try many, in a sincere attempt to open up to the unknown, to the unfamiliar, to broaden my horizons and look at the world with new eyes...
unlearning to learn
discovering new media and tools
pushing my boundaries - geographically, literally and metaphorically

So with the conviction that clarity is underway, i will not wait for the perfect post, the poetic word, the compelling illustration... i will explore this void openly and without fear of failure, embracing it and moving on... following where the road may lead...

f l o w i n g

2010-07-19T09:05:00.000+03:00

heightened state of awareness
prepared, but not expecting
ready to move on.

letting go,
piece by piece,
feeling lighter, much lighter,
not stuck in the waiting rut,
not bound to a territory,

ready to embark on a journey,
inwards and outwards,
and beyond.

embracing a new consciousness
seeking to create a story worth telling

resolutions

2010-03-24T15:52:00.003+02:00

2010

beginning of a new decade

flowing-positively-energetically-happily-with purpose.

meow.

27

2010-03-24T14:02:00.001+02:00

I stumbled across the post below on Paulo Coelho's facebook page... very interesting omen... reaching me on my 27th birthday, as i prepare to embark on my Goal/Dream* and have been soliciting advice/opportunities/hope/adventure/ from many good friends around the world ... after all, a Goal is a Dream* with a deadline...

Paulo Coelho 24/03 It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting ( Es la posibilidad de hacer un sueño realidad lo que hace la vida interesante )

Happy Feast Day - St Joseph

2010-03-19T12:26:00.001+02:00

Today is the first time I celebrate St. Joseph's day without my grandfather, a pious and devoted man who taught me much by way of example and whose generous smile and cheerful nature helped him provide for his family the stable loving environment that made us all blossom... with the care and gentleness he possessed...

As I get ready to embark on a new adventure in my life, I feel his guiding hand near, and I remember him with a big smile, and a firm hand, and a willingness to work to achieve my goal*dream. I also promise to indulge in some tasty desserts, in memory of his sweet tooth and our shared secret moments!

Join me in offering the Prayer below on behalf of all those, including myself who are on a journey of self-discovery.

Prayer to Know One's Vocation

O great St. Joseph, you were completely obedient to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Obtain for me the grace to know the state of life that God in His providence has chosen for me. Since my happiness on earth, and perhaps even my final happiness in heaven, depends on this choice, let me not be deceived in making it. Obtain for me the light to know God's Will, to carry it out faithfully, and to choose the vocation which will lead me to a happy eternity. Amen.

Almighty God, You entrusted to the faithful care of Joseph the beginnings of the mysteries of man's salvation. Through his intercession may Your Church always be faithful in her service so that Your designs will be fulfilled. Amen.

Moving to Clara's Melody

2010-03-11T17:03:00.000+02:00

The fleeting moments of my last night in Torino brought tears to my eyes...
it was an extremely moving performance about the life of Clara Schumann...

What followed was an intimate exposure of a woman's life, in all its glory, sadness, joy, love, extasy and torn decisions... in her ups and downs... a woman in every sense of the world, no little girl, but a full fledged woman whose heart bore the scars of every battle fought, without ever losing her hopeful spirit...

I was consumed by the performance...
hearing it through the earpiece translated from italian to french
Captivated by the 2 women on stage:
One giving words to her emotions
One putting notes to her soul

Leaving me feeling Clara's pain,
her drenched sorrow,
her sacrifice and her triumphs...

Her inner battle with who she was,
what she could be...
what she should be...
what she Wanted to be...

Her responsibilities and her desires...
her failures and her successes
her music, her melody
Herself
...

The anguish
and melancholy
her husband felt
and that consumed him

Her disappointment...
that her love was not enough
to pull him out of it...
but that was all she could give

Her love of light... and dawn...
that fought away the darkness
and opened up a new opportunity
for work and play

The intensity of
her honesty with herself
her fingers gliding over the piano
pouring it into her very soul
and from her soul to mine...

re-energizing ripple effect

2010-03-10T17:07:00.000+02:00

I rejoin my routine today,re-energized, still rippling with the effects of positivity.

I'm very happy i attended the conference, even more because it presented a well-rounded view, included multiple stakeholders and held a core message of empowerment... i had been afraid to arrive and find myself surrounded by people who wanted to protect women...

Instead i found myself surrounded by strong, confident and feminine women, who were changing their world, in their way, with different tools but with a same objective, to create a better life for them and theirs.

Another message i took away from the workshop/conference and which i hold dear, is providing women with choices, and not enforcing a specific one...

Below is a small overview produced by the ETF (courtesy of Bent Sorensen)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkQwVFB1T8I

ETF-Aftermath

2010-03-09T22:01:00.000+02:00

I'm back home in Lebanon after a very interesting workshop/conference that i participated in Torino, Italy; organized by the ETF and Sylvia Cambie. Im tired and happily overwhelmed, having met many brave women from diverse backgrounds and countries, that are all actively putting their talent at the disposal of their communities.

Below is a link to the article posted on the ETF website, as i promise to write in more detail tomorrow.

http://www.etf.europa.eu/web.nsf/opennews/645BD1D0CD89C565C12576E0004CFB12_EN?OpenDocument

I leave you with our concluding remark featured on the YouTube Video we prepared for the conference:
BE the change YOU want to see in the world!

ETF-Women & Work

2010-03-04T16:22:00.000+02:00

Tonight, i pack my bags and leave for Torino, Italy where the European Training Foundation (ETF) is organizing a conference entitled Women and Work, on the occasion of International Women's Day.

It promises to be very exciting, both as an opportunity to meet other bloggers as well as an occasion to make a difference at a large scale.

FOr me, it has been a call to action, to rededicate myself to this blog, and to remember the power of words to inspire + to heal. It's also a reminder of the power of collective action, and how the ripple effect of a positive thought can reach beyond our imagined scope.

Im looking foward to discovering the city, and coming up with some creative proposals!

For those interested to know more: http://www.etf.europa.eu/web.nsf/pages/Women_and_Work_EN

soul

2010-02-17T10:48:00.001+02:00

"i miss him. full stop." she said.

"It's just one of those days..." came the reply
& it's totally normal.

it is...

he lives in your soul...
and he's bound to visit you there from time to time..."

"Only in my soul.
But wait, isn't that the deepest place in me?" she asked.

"It is...
But it's also where You
have the power to transform anything...

Love into energy,
and a person into a memory,
and a memory into the wind
that blows within the spaces...
of your heart + the world..."

100th Post

2010-01-26T11:11:00.000+02:00

If there's anything I've learnt throughout this past year is that time is everything... and nothing...

Numbers, deadlines, anniversaries, months, years, bank statements, kilometers driven, lunches, dinners, meetings... they all take on a magical quality when we add on an "expectation" to those otherwise dry factual numbers... then they become imbued with hope.

I used to give great value to dates, every great accomplishment could only be measured by its timeline, and flexibility to adapt itself to all the other circumstancial factors that affect our interconnected lives...

Any missed appointment was a self-inflicted failure, every adjustment or delay was a challenge to overcome. Today better than tomorrow, to get things done.

F l o w i n g, simply b e i n g, and l e t t i n g g o did not exist in my lexicon. I believed that by sheer dedication and will power, I could bend the universe... I could resist any pain, any person, any situation...

I was in a fight against time. I had been in a relationship with someone younger than me, so I was already in a losing battle.. and was always looking to make up for lost time... afraid that time would pass me by... and that I would be left behind...

I started to view myself through that lens... by the time i'm ## I should have accomplished this or that or the other... if i'm not engaged/married by this age, then I would have failed my commitment to myself... if i don't start work after ## months of returning to Lebanon, I would be lazy and reliant on my parents...

If I... if by then I hadn't... if this time passes... if the future becomes the past... if if if if iFIFIFIF

Then the unimaginable happened... and time stopped.
Suddenly there was a now.
Apparently things can get out of hand despite all timely efforts.

And you discover...
that past endeavors are no guarantee for future success and fulfillment...
that time is warped, making years of commitment fade into memory and amplifying months of separation into entire years...
that letting go can seem like abandoning future dreams, leaving you touching your way out of a dark foggy corridor, that knows no end...

and that when all is said and done, you have to live fully every moment... so that no matter if it goes your way or not, you would not have failed yourself...

Today I write my 100th post on this blog, and I renew my promise to myself, to live every moment fully, to discover life's intricacies, to challenge myself, to let go, to ready myself without tying myself to expectations, to flow, and to cherish those around me... and to always always write from the heart.

Silent Prayer

2010-01-25T15:38:00.001+02:00

Yesterday, I went to pick up my parents from the airport, and as I stood waiting for them to emerge from behind those sliding doors, I could not help but think of all those times when I was returning to Barcelona after some trip and would have no one waiting for me at the airport... and I felt very sad...

For me, the best part of landing, or coming home, was having someone to greet you, whose eyes glistened with happiness at the sight of you, safe and sound, just a warm embrace away...

Today, I offer a silent prayer for the people who died in Beirut...

in that plane that took off, but never landed...

for those passengers who reached a different destination...

that some might still call home...

thank you*

2010-01-15T15:33:00.000+02:00

Today I take a moment to humbly acknowledge and thank those special women who have helped me through my tumultuous journey last year. I recognize that although it was a great challenge, I was not abandoned, and have somehow emerged with a patched up heart, confident spirit and an abundance of hope.

This post is a humble thank you from the bottom of my heart to those unique women who were there for me, who appeared next to each cross-road, each dark cave, and every mountain summit... women i had not known before, some i had taken for granted, some whom i will never meet again... and some who have departed to the soul realm.

I was surprised by their strength, their no-nonsense attitude, their honesty and their kindness, but mostly by their generosity... they listened, patiently, to my sobs, to my pleas, to my ramblings... and they offered me their positive energy and prayers. * They held me, when rocked by fear, i was crouching within the confines of my soul, revisited by ghosts of long ago: namely the Ghost of Abandonement, the Ghost of Solitude, and the Ghost of Failure. * They nudged me into the sunlight and let me bask in the warmth of their friendship. * They reminded me of the infinite possibilities waiting for me... that the choice was mine, to accept, to resist, to let go, or to give in - and that whatever choice was the right one as long as i was being true to myself. * They took out the dusty pieces in me, the ones i overlooked, and showed me how beautiful they could be. * They told me it was never too late to start over, that dreams are timeless, and hope eternal. * They saw the warrior in me, and kept my fighting will alive. * They gave me a compass and waited for me to plot my future path. * They were there for me, in each in her own special way, at a totally unique moment, at the most needed times.

For these angels, disguised as mothers, sisters, friends... i lift a silent prayer of thanks, asking that many blessings be sent your way... as i too promise to pay it forward...

Dedicated to AA-V-HM-FM-WA-LM-SB

it's a new day

2010-01-13T11:01:00.000+02:00

...and i return, to my long lost blog, like a lover sneeks under the covers to enjoy the warmth of their partner... and the way the earth drinks in every drop of rain, after a long drought...

since i last posted here, i have finished my Masters, returned from Barcelona, and had enough changes to last me a lifetime... i am single, after a 5 year relationship, and i am searching for my life purpose...

i have immersed myself in a full spectrum of feelings, from loneliness to hope and am battered by the process... and i look again, at a changing world, at a changing heart, at a changing life...

and i accept it...

it has taken me great courage to accept... for i am a natural born warrior... and letting go does not come easily... but somehow i trust that it will all turn out well in the end...

and so i come here, to this battlefield, to this honest place, to this sanctuary, and i write...
for me, for whoever wants to listen. but mostly because i realized how much i love it, and how i believe it is the key to my soul... that is now in flight... destination unknown.

The Uncertain Years

2008-09-09T23:34:00.001+03:00

I feel the dawning of The Uncertain Years,
The blank page syndrome...

So much freedom yet so little action...
Torn in many directions, yearning for more.
Longing for stability, strong to the core.
Traveling many a country, none to call my home.
Citizen of the world, loyal to my soul.
Rambling out aloud, trying to make sense,
To find a direction, in this whole mess.

Enthusiastic, always.
Courageous, even more.
But looking through the mist,
I know not where to go.

Echos

2008-09-09T23:31:00.000+03:00

Lebanon is calling and our heart is torn...
We are citizens of the world,
Wanderers...

Our compass has no north,
so we carry in our hearts
that fresh breeze,
the majestic trees,
and those family bonds...

To keep us company in the lands which we pass through
Constantly looking for our home...

Even in Barcelona, Beirut is ever present

Thoughts

2008-06-05T17:03:00.001+03:00

My love,
the thoughts of you
fill the spaces
in my heart,
leaving no room
for sadness or tears.

Mabrouk la Libnan!

2008-05-26T00:44:00.000+03:00

Mabrouk la Libnan!
Congratulations for Lebanon...

This day will forever be engraved in our hearts... Lebanese from all around the world and especially the lucky Lebanese to be ¨home¨ in Lebanon... are rejoicing... celebrating... our will to live, to love, and to have hope.

From Barcelona, to Cornet Chehwan, to Paris... anywhere and everywhere in the world, we have been smiling... because we knew Peace would overcome... we knew that despite all disagreements, we would find a way to connect...

I feel a tingling in the air... and the fresh smell of Barcelona after this rainy day washes away my tears and reminds me that cleansing is good for the soul... and that summer is coming, and im looking forward to coming home soon...

Surreal

2008-05-12T13:40:00.000+03:00

The surreal feeling will accompany you always and everywhere ...
You will wake up in a bed...thousands of kilometers away to find your heart back home. Insomnia and anxiety... constant monitoring of internet press releases.. are my personal manifestations of 'war mode', or better yet: 'survival mode' and yours too will resurface again ...

No matter where you, despite of where you are... because a country is so much more than a piece of land: its a sanctuary of memories with lovedones... testimony to good times and bad...

This has been surreal and more than ever I wonder about long term commitments: why do we spend so much time planning an uncertain and turbulent futurewhich at any moment can become the past? why when all leaders around us are displaying adolescent temper tantrums... playing a game of 'truth or dare' do we display a maturity beyond our years and a calmness in facing all this madness?

I think we build and believe in the future possiblity of our dreams becoming reality, because deep inside we have not lost faith in humanity and no matter how many times we are deceived by the unfortunate turn of events...

We add a step to that ladder leading to our hopes... sometimes it will break under our weight, sometimes it looks scarred but holds strong... in the end, it reminds us that we have something to hold on to, something to live for... because we all need something to believe in...

from afar

2008-05-09T12:12:00.000+03:00

bitter tears are streaming down faces...
acidic after-taste of gun powder and smoke...
and the sound of violence ripping through the space:
of a divided country, conquered street, forgotton home.

those within are surviving, those without are praying...
those afar are helpless...and those too close are remote...

and the speeches have left no companions,
but those in arms, ready to fight
and while brother buries brother, another day begins
without promise, without sun
the open battles rage, and the children grow up too soon

from afar my heart is bleeding
from afar memories are fleeting back
from afar i am with you
always with you

and i am engulfed by helplessness...
and i am worried
and i cannot but think of loved ones all over lebanon...
in conflict zones.. and silent zones

all scarred
all fearful
all waiting, hoping for a better tomorrow

it feels surreal..
i want to go back,
to be with you,
to be by your side

it is raining here and there
the pain is everywhere

as i watch the muddy waters stream past
i want them to wash away all this suffering
but i am no longer so naive
and im no longer making sense
and everything is put into perspective
future and past
present
now
here
there

with you
for you

take care
stay safe
stay humane

remember that somewhere in this world
you matter to someone
you matter to me

and i will not let you
forget your humanity

and i will be there
to hold you close

and i will whisper dreams

and we will be strong

and we will stay together
through it all

we shall overcome

2008-05-08T12:47:00.000+03:00

and the scariest thing has come to pass...
im stuck in another country far away from my loved ones...
who are stuck in a lose-lose situation...´
in my homeland, in my home.

and the song plays again in my head:
we shall overcome someday:

we shall overcome hate and prejudice
we shall overcome selfishness and division
someday...

deep in my heart
i do believe
that we shall overcome someday

ramblings of a confused soul

2008-05-07T14:26:00.001+03:00

The cold breeze

slips through the cracks

to put out the fire.

The flames flicker

and the shadows

dance.

2008-05-07T14:24:00.000+03:00

Loneliness strikes
in a crowded room

choaking me
with sadness

clouding my
Eyes with
memories

Consuming me
with
SILENCE

where laughter
used to be.

2008-05-07T14:22:00.000+03:00

WORDS
are scars
of Memories...
left wandering
on the pages
of our
existence...

Testimony to
our Hopes
and Disappointments...

Persevering
through
TIME.

From Barcelona... with love

2008-03-19T15:21:00.000+02:00

Hola!

i have been here in Barcelona for a little over a month now, soaking up to the beautiful city, set on discovering future goals... and meeting new people! and i plan on making the most of this experience.. and using it to grow...wings... that will bridge together the different parts of my soul.

this experience is teaching me something already... no matter where you are geographically, home is where your heart is... that is your ultimate citizenship...

the masters course is interesting not only in the course description, but also in that it is a meeting of citizens of the world, from all around the world, united in a common cause... and its interesting to see from a birds eye view how local problems are in fact international, and that there are many creative solutions that we just can´t see... so its really an eye opener, and maybe after this time is over... i will be able to give back a little... to Lebanon...

i promise to try and write with some regularity, and to explore the issues im dealing with... unfiltered as usual... so bear with me!

my first post from barcelona, with love...

A new adventure beckons

2007-11-17T10:17:00.000+02:00

A new adventure beckons to my impatient soul: always on the look out for the next challenge, yet always yearning for the peace that come from within... Eluding me is a sense of accomplishment, and so I charge forward...

Its funny how life can change in an instant, and the battle you were waiting for is suddenly at hand, and you feel inadequate... but you know you need it, you know you can do it, you are just uncertain how to start addressing it... you're not afraid, just apprehensive...

I'm about to take a step which is huger than any i've taken before... I have been accepted into a master's program in barcelona... and it feels like a huge step to take... i've started taking spanish lessons... and have a lot of things to cross off my list... and i have to get ready to leave my beloved country, my friends, my family, my love... for one year...

I have been silent for a while because I really did not know what to say... I can't write when i'm troubled, when I have no vision, when it is dark in me... and it has been dark for a while, with broken dreams and postponed deadlines and a re-evaluation of self, and a re-adjustment of priorities... and after a period of disillusionment, i'm back in the twilight zone... I once read that the darkest hour comes before dawn... so maybe this new experience will quench my thirst and reveal the rays of sun peeking through the night... and when it is over, a new day would have begun, bringing me closer to my hopes and dreams...

Politically apathetic

2007-09-20T09:44:00.000+03:00

I am politically apathetic.

I prefer this to being engaged in a political party whose leaders will deceive me, double-cross their ideals and sell their martyrs to the highest bidder... I prefer to be neutral than to be aggressive, to judge a person on their values not their religion or political affiliation... I would rather join prayers with anyone who believes in the future of this country in its plurality, than to curse my neighbor...

It has been a while since I listened to the news, or read any statement by the various politicians viiying for the position of president. It seems they have forgotten that they are pledging to serve their country and its citizens, not achieving personal fame. We are in for a tense week ahead, because the threat is everywhere, and everyone is a target.

In death, we are all equal, we will take our last breath and cross over, where we will be judged according to the amount of love in the actions we did. No one will remember our fame, our political affiliation, or the balance in our bank account.

Parents are now warning their children not to leave their home, to avoid public places, to limit their activities to the bare necessities... and they will not succeed in convincing them, because at the end of the day, we want to really live, not live from lack of death.

I am politically apathetic, but I believe in my country. I believe in my fellow country man/woman. I believe that good actions can make a difference. I believe that I have a future here. I believe that we will make it through with our humanity. And I believe we will maintain our hope, in the end.

Hopeful Beirut on Women's Hour, BBC

2007-09-12T09:57:00.002+03:00

Hey!!! im back from a great vacation... directly immersed in the worries of the world once again... but good news to start off, im posting the link to the BBC Woman's Hour featuring my blog... Check it out and enjoy...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/05/2007_36_fri.shtml

Day by Day

2007-08-31T11:19:00.000+03:00

Many exciting things have been happening lately... and i have been busy trying to savor the moment... and have not written...

First came an email from Delia Radhu from the BBC and an invitation to feature as a woman blogger on her program... it was a great honor and interesting experience... a gratification of sorts... an official recognition... and as quickly and unexpectantly as that came in, it was soon submerged by other news too...

I am taking my first official vacation in 2 years, and i can't wait for it to start...my body is in overdrive, colds and runny stomachs...headaches... all shout: STOOOPPPP... pls take a break... and for once, i'm obliging...

I'm also at a crossroad at my career, many interesting things pulling me in different directions... a compass is looking really good right now...

But i am following a new philosophy of Living Day by Day... keeping the guidelines and the planning, but not the anxiety and the worrying and the over-analysis... because a recent experience taught me that even though you spend so much time worrying and planning, something you never saw coming can arrive and disrupt your life, and without warning cause havoc... and most of your planning would be in vain...

So, after this post, i am going to delve into the fun part in me, dust it off, and let it soar, and sail... admiring a warm sunset on blue water, and hidden Turkish bays...

Celebrating the Scouting Centenary in Lebanon

2007-08-02T10:17:00.000+03:00

I will never again visit our Our Lady of Lebanon in Harissa and feel the same, because the events it witnessed and which I helped organize will be forever engraved in my memory.

On the 1st of August 2007 at the break of dawn, over 1200 active and retired leaders of the Scouts du Liban association gathered in Harissa to celebrate along with 28 million scouts across the world, the passing of 100 years since the first camp took place in Brownsea with the founder Baden Powell.

Gathered around an alter built amidst the cedars and under the loving gaze of Our Lady, we celebrated mass together and ended with a ceremony to renew our promise and commitment to a better world, to an education for peace, and to creating bonds of friendship that transcend race, religion, age, and creed. It was also an occasion to meet with scout leaders that had paved the way for us to be here...

It is such an honor to be part of this worldwide event and I can hardly grasp its implications... how lucky I am to have participated, and how my actions and those of my fellow members will help define scouting for the next 100 years. It is simply overwhelming...

The ceremony ended with the Scouts Oath Song, and my eyes became watery, as if singing it for the first time:

Devant tous je m'engage
Sur mon honneur,
Et je te fais hommage
De moi, Seigneur !

Je veux t'aimer sans cesse
De plus en plus.
Protège ma promesse,
Seigneur Jésus !

... I just want to keep in my heart the joy of the cubs, the energy of the scouts, and the service of the Rovers and to live to the utmost the message in Baden Powell's last letter, which said:

"But the real way to get happiness is by giving out happiness to other people. Try and leave this world a little better than you found it and when your turn comes to die, you can die happy in feeling that at any rate you have not wasted your time but have done your best. "Be Prepared" in this way, to live happy and to die happy - stick to your Scout promise always - even after you have ceased to be a boy - and God help you to do it."

Dream Builders

2007-07-24T12:25:00.000+03:00

My mantra for this week... going for new beginnings...

Illusions/Happiness

2007-06-23T16:40:00.000+03:00

For a certain time now, I have been trying to find a certain guaranteed formula for success and happiness. I believed that if I followed a certain path, if I worked hard, stuck to a job, planned out my future, that I would be happy. I thought that I had to get certain things done by a certain time for me to fully enjoy my status as a successful individual. Getting a better salary, getting a master's degree, getting a house, and getting married, in that order, were supposed to determine how much joy fills my life. However, life, is never that simple. And happiness is never guaranteed. Sometimes its good to have milestones + deadlines but sometimes, hanging on to them too tightly can choke the life out of them and prevent them from providing a certain comfort once they are attained.

More important than the when, is the how... and with whom... so no matter the time line, its the experience itself that makes it worthwhile. Maybe the list isn't chronological, maybe its simultaneous, maybe some things need to shift... maybe...

What is sure is that decisions need to be made, courageous decisions... and maybe it's ok not to have a plan for a while, or at least to allow room for change within it... I don't know... I'm trying... but maybe the real strategy to follow is to be happy now, because it's a road not a destination... I don't know/ old habits die hard... and sometimes new ones are just a blur...

Things that are helping me

2007-06-07T10:04:00.000+03:00

This post was supposed to be about proverbs that are helping me overcome this "impasse" that I find myself stuck in.. However some things are not meant to be, as I sat down several times to start but only went as far as the title...

This is the second time this week that my meetings have been disrupted by a phone-call, or the sound of a blast... and there would be havoc... wrecking innocent people's lives and sources of livelihood.

A cousin who visited last month appropriately dubbed my country as "Leba bomb".
Ironic. Sad. and True.

If only it weren't becoming a fact of life...
If only we weren't drenched in fear...
If only we could guarantee our safety... and that of our loved ones..

NO PLACE IS IMMUNE.
The: Car / Road / Home /Workplace / School / Movie theater / Shopping Mall / Beach Resort /University are ALL targets... some have already been hit...

NO ONE IS IMMUNE.
As ordinary citizens, we are doomed...

My friend "p" is expecting to deliver anytime this month... and what kind of world is she bringing her child into? Will the sound of a lullaby silence the blasts? Will the strength of her embrace protect him? Will the safety of the womb ever be regained? Today it seems that every act of life is accomplished with great courage... and bravery... and just a touch of madness.

And while we are busy rebuilding and creating activities that will help the young people in our care to grow into decent human beings that care about one another and who believe in making a difference, we find that even these innocent moments are overshadowed by concerns over safety. And it is becoming harder to instill hope and a sense of belonging among these young people and indeed among ourselves because there isn't a ray of hope that isn't being squashed. It's as if there is a permanent eclipse of the sun... we know it's there, but it just isn't showing...

Finally the quotes originally the content of this post are:
" All the art of living lies in a fine mingling… between holding on and letting go..."
"Both in love and war, it is impossible to foresee everything" Paolo Coelho
"Most of the pain of change comes from our resistance to it"

Ramblings of a pre-occupied mind, oblivious soul

2007-06-05T10:22:00.000+03:00

It seems that all my life I have been looking for stability, security.... Why? I don't know... I never thought of myself as unadventurous... but I find myself always looking for a home, for a bond...

I have several fears... one is of being lonely and alone... the other is growing old and losing sense of my surroundings, myself... becoming a burden to those around me... I fear i'm not the best I can be... I fear trapping myself in what I want, that what I want eludes me...

But I don't fear fighting for what I believe in... I don't fear honesty, or hard work...

I have come to embrace my tears... but now they no longer stop flowing...

I have come to love my country... but now wonder why I am still here... where it not for my loved ones, my commitments... I think I would be packing my bags now..

I fear I am settling in too soon... I want to discover, I want to shine... I want to be happy...
I want to be content... and I sound like a child... but I grew up a long time ago.. I have accompanied close family members in their final stages, when life is no longer adventure, but one more day that slowly drags by... and I have watched my idols fall from their pedestal... and I love them no less, but I have discovered that each day you have to decide to love again, and I will never take that for granted.

And I have come to accept my imperfections, and am amazed that people love me despite of them.. and I know that even though I do not see life through rose-colored glasses, I can never give up on hope.

Pressure Cooker

2007-06-04T21:35:00.000+03:00

Thoughts running through my mind... can't be coherent, can't synthesize... not tonight.

Emotion

STRESS

Blast
Noise

BOMB

NO security

FEAR

future

Flight

Plight

PRESSURE mounting...

Situation boiling over...

WORRY

Lighting candles-emoticon flowers

2007-05-22T10:32:00.000+03:00

No time for poetic words.
No understanding of political motives.
No trust in security situation.

Nothing left, but a call for solidarity

Candles lit at window sills between 9-10pm,
light to distill the silence of the night

Emoticon flowers before your name,
in memory of those who passed away

Fear in your heart and in your mind,
feeling your soul slipping, drowning, fading

Slowly
Quickly
Time is devoid
Actions are suspended

No one is left untouched
No life is spared the terror

From the north to the capital,
and beyond...
People are wounded...
and killed

Dwelling in the rubble
of their homes and dreams

Wondering why they're still here
Wondering if they should breathe

Knowing nothing with certainty
Desperately clinging to futile measures
of lighting candles and emoticon flowers

Weeping-Madness

2007-05-21T23:59:00.000+03:00

Hope? Only children dream of hope, and I am a child no more. I was wondering why it is May and still winter lingers, cloaking us in its foggy apparel, trying to shield us from the violence and the terror, trying to give us the security of the womb which we left so long ago.

This is madness, and it is slowly seeping into our veins, draining our energy, straining our love...

I vowed, I would not post about another bomb, another threat, another scary situation. But I can't. If I don't tell someone, this frustration, this "impuissance" will build up and choke me. I can't bear to hear the news flash and the whining sound of sirens... Can't bear to wait for mobile lines to connect to a loved one. Can't stand the uncertainty of the present and the future, knowing only I don't want a repeat of the past... I am worried, this constant flow of negative energy and horrible actions are taking their toll... I turn to the virtual for solace, to provide comfort and to reach out to others, to comfort, so I forget my fear.

This is becoming a land of fear, thirsty for blood, fueled by greed. My soul is barren... tears have left an acidic after-taste and forever tainted the hope that had been trying to grow.

I want to cry some more, but im afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop. In fact, I want to weep, to scream, to moan... this is madness...

Perched on the roof, looking out unto the world, searching for my soul...

2007-05-08T09:57:00.000+03:00

While in Normandie, playing a game in the Bayeux village, we stumbled unto this open tower, falling to pieces, whose door had been left open. Not able to resist the temptation, we wandered up the staircase, avoiding falling into little gaps left by rotting wood and disengaged stone, to reach the top. There we gazed unto an intimate overview of the village, and soaked in its serenity and beauty.

I dream of living under a pitched roof with bay windows, where I can look out unto the world and search for my soul...

Resilience

2007-04-28T10:47:00.000+03:00

A few days ago, 2 young men were kidnapped and murdered; and yesterday, Miss Lebanon pageant was underway and a new representative of Lebanese beauty was chosen...

It takes courage to vacillate between the extremes of the emotional sphere... between joy and sadness, happiness and fear, love and hate...

We are a resilient people, bordering on insensitivity, for over-exposure renders our senses numb, our hearts colder, and our compassion weaker.

It feels strange to be back to posting about world-grabbing headlines, especially since they consistently feature in the morbid section, but every now and again a joyful event adds a splash of color to our drab situation. Thank God its not red...

What more can I say? What can I promise? I can only say with certainty that the future is uncertain. That it takes so much effort to remember why you are still faithful to your country, why you still call it home... That while you are busy working towards a better future, some can still not get over the bloody past. That while you are investing hope in children, some are instilling fear in adults.

Should we:
Stop caring?
Give in?
Forget?
Leave?
Cry?
SHout?
Scream?
Be silent?

Is it our heritage to be nomads in foreign countries; giving them our youth, intelligence, and fervor?

Is it our destiny to remain quarelling between one another, too busy shouting to hear the tears?

Is it?

I refuse to believe in such a sinister proposition.
I refuse to be sucked in to the negative vibes circulating.

We are sons and daughters of pioneers, of people who braved the seas, climbed the mountains and reached out to touch the stars.

We are meant for goodness, compassion, and solidarity.

And we believe in making our own destiny.

Honored + Humbled: Thinking Blogger Award

2007-04-25T09:59:00.000+03:00

I am honored and humbled that this blog has been nominated for a Thinking Blogger Award. This cannot have come at a better time, since the company I work for is undergoing a reorganization and i have been stressed over an important meeting to happen today. I promise to write more faithfully and frequently soon.

The award comes with the task of bringing to light five more "Thinking Bloggers" who make a difference so here it goes:

http://margaretswanderings.blogspot.com/
Margaret, fellow blogger, I feel I know so well... Thank you so much for nominating me for the Thinking blogger award... you touch my heart by your inner yearning for a better tomorrow, a better self, and I feel these sentiments echo in my own soul...may we both find peace at the end of the journey.

http://outsidethewindows.blogspot.com/
Jarvenpa writes an insightful blog about her bookstore and the many interactions that it witnesses. She has touched so many and her social contributions make a difference... She is a light to her community, i'm sure.

http://goshdarnknit.com/
Rania is an illustrator/artist who creates characters that ring true, and yet never depart the fantasy world. She is creative, used interesting methods and techniques, and loves knitting!

http://chatoyance.blogspot.com/
Lori uses photography and words to provide a beautiful perspective on her surroundings. She continues to inspire me daily, though she doesn't know it.

http://beirutupdate.blogspot.com/
Zena is the person who introduced me to blogging. Even though she has not contributed to her blog in some time, I would like to recommend her as a leader/inspiration who has so much to give.

Mabrouk! Congrats!

2007-04-10T10:32:00.000+03:00

"Les étoiles palissent Soeur, car dés maintenant tu suiveras de nouvelles pistes dans la jungle de ta vie. Souviens-toi que nous restons a tes cotés, comme Frere Gris, fidèles a jamais..." "The stars are fading, Sister, because as of now, you will be following new trails in the jungle of your life. Remember that we will always be by your side, like Grey Wolf, devoted till the end."Mabrouk Leslie + Didier

Happy Easter

2007-04-10T10:27:00.000+03:00

This is the time to be reborn, to rise from the ashes of ourselves to become better people. Let's be there for one another on that long journey. Happy Easter.

Feeling all grown-up

2007-03-26T14:28:00.000+03:00

My birthday passed, and with it all the frustrations that had been building up; and i've been left feeling... not older, but grown-up, stripped of childish illusions and unrealistic deadlines.

It has made me set different time lines for growth and search for new short-term goals. It has made me reconsider what I believed where basic building blocks and has taught me the importance of being flexible, because in the long term exposure to hardships, at least I will not break as I have been doing so far...

This has been an important experience for me, albeit an unkind one, as I have weathered a lot of emotions and expectations and dreams... I have learned that if you expect the solution to come solely from something or someone, you will end up being disappointed, because if you don't find your peace within, you will not find it outside yourself; which is why you shouldn't wait to reach your breaking point to find an alternative way to attain your dreams.

Privacy

2007-03-22T11:28:00.000+02:00

I open my car
enter
turn it on
and start driving
to work

But today
I'm tired
and sick

Today,
I need to be alone
I need to cry
I need to sleep
and I want no witness to my pathetic self

So I look for a quiet place
park the car
lower the car seat
and lean back

I see a blue sky
and a tree swaying with the wind

I turn up the music
and close my eyes
and sink...

Deep into oblivion
into privacy
into me

I'm cold
then hot

Scared
and lost

I open my eyes
and look around
and see the blue sky
and the tree
and remember where I am

Thinking of where I want to be
of who I want to be
of what I want to accomplish
of what I can actually do now

I close my eyes
and sneeze
and cough
and blow my nose
again and again

My body revolts
and matches my feverish mind

My heart is worn out
battling the way
into the future

I close my eyes:
I want to forget
I want to dream

I want to awaken
to another reality

I'm parched

I close my eyes
Let the sounds seep in

I take a deep breath:
exhale
inhale
then exhale

Finding a rhythm
searching for a balance
searching for peace...

Time seems frozen
but time has passed by
time for work

And I sit up
adjust the car seat

One last look
at the blue sky
and the tree

and I turn on the car
and resume my journey

Slowly
Silently
Sadly

Proverbs to inspire...

2007-03-08T11:09:00.000+02:00

I have never done this before, but I am going to post some of the proverbs cluttered all over my desk.. hope they inspire you... as they do me...

"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages." Tenessee Williams

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by; and that has made all the difference." Robert Frost

"If you find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." Henry Van Dyke

"Faites des bêtises, mais faites-les avec enthousiasme!" Colette

"No Regrets"

"Live well, laugh often, love much!"

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." Petit Prince

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paolo Coelho

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." Paolo Coelho

Mixed up...

2007-03-08T09:49:00.000+02:00

Frustration mixed with anticipation... can't wait to start something new... I want to be propelled further down the road... so i'm immersing myself in a myriad of sounds and sights so as to avoid thinking... and i'm not making much sense either... coffee cups come and go and my mind is in over drive... what I want out of life is so different from the expectations of those around me... can't let them get to me, can't let my dreams die... so my mixed up emotions are keeping me from being fully productive, and that's not fair... but have to get some things resolved... have to get to work on the important parts of my list... can cross off horse-back riding...it's a great sport!... and have to move on... move up... plain move.

24*

2007-02-22T12:25:00.000+02:00

I will be turning 24 on the 24th of march this year... I don't know why this realization is filling me with the urge and need to feel, to touch, to experience, to achieve, to rebel, to dream, to do something extraordinary, to mark this year, to make it stand out and to set it apart... but it is... it is a milestone calling me to accomplish something, to start with a new part of my life, to continue, to pursue, to bring closure, to put my opinions first, to establish myself as an adult, an independent being, a unique soul... I feel like I owe it to myself... If I don't take risks and enjoy and experiment at 24, will I ever?

Here goes the wish list I want to achieve:
get a cat tattoo
find + buy my house
write professionally
expose my photographs
practice a new sport (such as horseback riding)
start playing the guitar again
find inner peace
reach the "date" that allows me to live as a couple
further myself professionally (workshops/courses/lectures)
lose weight
develop my own fashion sense
feel beautiful at all times
...

When I am 24, I will...

2007-02-21T10:34:00.000+02:00

hace written this post twice already, but its disappearing... will have it online tom!

60th post: deception

2007-02-14T13:14:00.000+02:00

Devastated and deceived... those are the only words that come to mind when I relive the bus bombings that occured yesterday. Ain Alak is only 5 minutes away by car from my home. This pleasant and peaceful road, usually witness to the uneventful daily struggle of its citizens is now in the spotlight. It has been stained by blood that all the rain cannot wash away... even the sound of birds has been silenced by the blasts... When the innocent fall, and will rise no more... then, we know that we have reached the point of no return. When innocents are targetted, the same people everyone is pledging to save... you know that we are not in the spring of independance but in the hollow of defeat...self-defeat...

As I write these words, the television is blasting away with the speeches of those bland politicians, all fiered up at the prospect of rallying more supporters, as they mourn each other today and insult one another tomorrow; filling our minds with empty talk and revolutionary songs and promises of better days...

I am sad. The bomb blasts of yesterday echo in my heart, saying it could happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone! The prevailing cycle of death and destruction leaves little room for hope, especially when the violence has evolved and mutated into a deadlier strain, one whose operations now target innocent civilians on their morning ride to work and school.

In many parts of the world, today is an occasion to celebrate the greatest of all emotions, love, but in Lebanon we are mourning death. 60 posts and I am still mourning... Black shrouds my thoughts and emotions and even the brightest red can not lighten the mood...

Sunday...

2007-02-04T12:04:00.000+02:00

Winter has descended in all its glory, shrouding us in its foggy coat and leaving traces of snow on the mountain peaks and slopes...

Huddled at home, I contemplate the dreary clouds passing by, as I cling to the warmth emanating from my patchwork socks...

As I tread about, delicious smells migrate towards me from the kitchen, and I look forward to having lunch with my family, characteristic of Sundays spent at home...

A student's thoughts

2007-01-26T10:54:00.000+02:00

I rushed to university yesterday, ready to do my best in order to succeed and open new doors for myself.

I want to stay in Lebanon and make a difference in my country; I am not one of those who pine for other lands with better job offers and salaries. I was going to contribute... and now, even the opportunity to better myself and improve my country has been taken away...

Close by, people who were friends a while ago are now at each other's throats. Desks are now painful instruments, sports facilities are now battlefields.

I think we have just failed the most important exam of all, the test of our humanity. And now our soul will be forevermore condemned to study for the qualifying exam before He who knows all things and who taught us that the most important commandment of all, is LOVE.

Escaping Beirut

2007-01-25T18:28:00.000+02:00

What was a dull afternoon at work yesterday transformed into an escape from Beirut. I got a call from my boyfriend, saying there was a shootout at the Beirut Arab University and that I should leave Beirut immediately. A few minutes later, the parking guy decided of his own accord to give us all our car keys and advise as to the best route out of Hamra... and all I could think of is how a place of learning, of higher education had succumbed to violence and terror at the hands of the future generation of Lebanon's great citizens...

Phone lines were down, and I was worried since a friend came with me in the morning, and we must now leave together... luckily we crossed each other on the road... As we started to leave, I saw a scary sight, a replay of Tuesday's events, as exits leading to the airport were blocked by burning tires, and young men wearing black masks and holding wooden sticks were standing nearby...

This defies logic, defies morality... Everyone was headed home: for some it meant going to Hamra, for me it meant going to Cornet Chehwan: two opposite directions, but each holding someone dear at the end...

Outside Beirut, the phone lines resumed, and calls from my mother and other concerned people started flooding in... I told them I was on my way home... home... I could not believe what was happening. I really hoped we would never live to see the kind of "war"like situation that the elders are constantly talking about; how they reminisce on their close calls with death, and escaping the "enemy", their fellow citizens...

When I got home, put on the TV, and saw the scene, my heart quenched its tears that threatened to overflow. I started thinking of the students who were not part of the confrontation as well as those who were... A student like so many of my friends, who were overwhelmed with their finals because the semester is nearly over; who were worried because they had exams to prepare for, and papers to give in... They were supposed to be busy with other things... For many, university offers the opportunity for a better life... It is a place of learning, of understanding, of furthering one's self. Yesterday this place was desecrated, transformed into a funeral, mourning the death of common sense... And now, so many of my friends now wish to leave, because they are afraid... they are applying for visas, renewing their passports... and looking abroad for opportunities that should be available to them in their own country.

Is this how we love our country? With snipers on the rooftops terrorizing innocent passer-byes? Is this how we cherish our nation? By aiming at the army? Is this how we celebrate our national unity? By being segregated according to our religion? Is this the future we want for ourselves and our loved ones? A constant escapade?

Diary of a Lebanese Road...

2007-01-25T09:19:00.000+02:00

Assaulted in the morning, senses set aflame...
Toxic smoke erupting...
Consuming...
Overwhelming...

I am broken... into parts...
That do not lead to one another anymore...

I am miscommunication...
I am anger...
I am fear...

My gray scarred with black, my white faded...
I am a battlefield of wills...
All are remnants of the past battling for the future...

Insults are traded, rocks are thrown...
Humanity rising with the smoke...

Why?
Yesterday all passed equally above me.
All headed for their different destinations freely...

Caught between the over-zealous and the indifferent...
Mistaking each as the solution...
I am left burning...
Decomposing...
Disappearing...

The sun sets, and the wind rises...
I am still burning...
Inside, I am charred...

There is no going back to yesterday...
and what a way to face tomorrow...

Grey has turned to black, and white is no more...
I have been wounded to the very core.

Biased Media

2007-01-22T15:29:00.000+02:00

Over the past few weeks we have been bombarded with visual campaigns from both parties involved in the current power-struggle in our country...

Billboards plastered all over the street are strewn with accusations, figures, statistics and statements... What started as a campaign entitled "I Love Life" was appropriated and became "I Love Life in color / in dignity / without debt" and countless other variations...

If only we had reached the level of political debate in the truest sense of the word, whereby these informational campaigns that appeal to people's intellect would be sufficient to allow them to make an informed decision and to choose rationally which politician to align with and support.

Alas, the dominating factor as always, lies elsewhere... and the campaigns that translated into a heated war of words, provided ammunition for the politicians on the battlefields of the media
with each local TV channel championing the cause of its political founder, and therefore fundamentally flawed in its biased portrayal of the situation in Lebanon, playing out in favor of its sponsor...

And as more of our means of communication succumb to the unscrupulous standards of today's political players, the public loses its sources of information, and left with no other option than
its religious ideologies, or historical alliances, it is caught in a stand-still between the past and the present, while what is really at stake is the future.

Dangling Guidelines

2007-01-18T17:03:00.000+02:00

Last week we went for a tour of architectural sites being developed by our company... it was a beautiful day and I discovered an interesting building technique that stuck in my head: dangling objects where suspended all over the construction site... After a little investigation, I found out that they are random objects suspended at the end of a piece of string in order to weigh it down so it is keeps a straight line and allows the buildings walls to be constructed accordingly...

I started to wonder, what are the different things that weigh us down, that keep us going in a certain direction? How often do they change? Or do they? Is it love? Health? Career? Family? Friends? Religion? How important are each of our dangling weights? And how are they helping shape our lives? Is one facet more important than the other? Or is it more important now? And will it change with time? Will the construction of our self, our soul, our life, ever be over? Or will we always be consumed with that mission: perfecting our inner space and elevating it to new standards?

Every once in a while, we need to buy more materials, consider new plans, and meet with the architect... but eventually it is up to us to take the decisions that will allow us to achieve the best result, taking into consideration the budget constraints and the time frame...

Someday... soon?

2007-01-18T09:29:00.000+02:00

Life is still on hold, with demonstrations and sit-ins serving as bleak reminders that we are at a stand still and that at any moment our lives will be disrupted again... For a better future, they say; for our children, they say; for ourselves...

I am tired of having to repeat the same thing over and over in a an attempt to achieve it. I sympathize with the people who have exchanged their homes with more temporary ones as tents in Downtown Beirut. But I also need to find closure, I need to believe I am doing the right choice by standing by my country, in my country. I think we all need to feel at home, not as guests.... We all need to contribute to growth... We all need to do the right thing not because we will gain something out of it, but because it is right....

This kind of post is becoming obsolete, because no action is being taken... neither by those for or against the system... and what a system it is... people are caught up in petty re-runs of political stand-offs with different parties allying themselves with former foes or friends... and like soap-operas, there are sometimes dramatic events, but in the end it is a long, boring, process whose actions though entertaining are banal, and have no effect on our daily life.

The people at the bottom of the food chain, the ones these politicians are supposed to serve, are still struggling to make ends meet: to find a decent job, to save enough money to buy a house, to find adequate health care, and to maintain some semblance of a dream in their hearts as they continue to believe that someday it will be alright, someday it won't be as hard, someday they will be judged by their actions not by their religion or political alliance...

Someday... soon?

Overdue thank you

2007-01-15T10:45:00.000+02:00

This post goes out to all those who visited this blog and wrote some comments...
Sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge the enormous support you have given me... Sometimes we are so self-absorbed that we fail to recognize that mutual support is the key to a better quality of life. Coming to this realization has made me aware that I in turn, should also be helping out... Therefore, i have added new links from this Blog to the people whose inspiring words and pictures have broadened my horizons and provided food for thought or simply delved into that shadowy part of the soul that scares even the most brave... Thank you...

Heaven has new angels

2007-01-10T10:04:00.000+02:00

Heaven has 2 new angels today, Aline's Teta + Josephine's Teta.

Today words are failing me; all i can say is that false hope is the worst feeling of all. Believe it or not, Aline's Teta was supposed to be discharged today. Maybe she was discharged from this earth-bound life to one of eternal glory and salvation.

What is sure is that we have now gained 2 new angels, who will pray and look out for their families from above. Aline and Josephine's Tetas, if you meet my Teta, will you say hello?

As for those left behind, they have but a memory to comfort them, and the knowledge that they are now in the hands of God.

Today, i'll say a little prayer for you, and for all the loved ones who are here no more... know that we carry you in our hearts wherever we go.

We are Living Stones!

2007-01-05T14:23:00.000+02:00

I recently returned home from a Camp called Living Stones that was held in Mondaye, France, under the theme of Seek and Pursue Peace... It was a great occasion to meet people from the Middle East (Jordan, Syria, Palestine) and Europe (France, Italy, Slovenia, Portugal, Belgium) and to share and relate our different experiences as well as our understanding of peace and its implications.

I was very happy to discover that many people feel concerned by the turmoil Lebanon is swamped in and that they are wary of the media coverage and are anxious to get a real perspective from its citizens. Most are praying and reaching out with compassion to human beings like themselves that happen to live in a country which is finding itself.

There were several high points in the camp: the international evening, the visit to Mont St. Michel, and especially the visits to the American and German cemeteries respectively. In the latter, we found a quote by Albert Schweitzer saying that the graves of soldiers are the greatest initiators of peace... There, surrounded by so many tombs, the identified and the the unidentified lying side by side, I prayed...

I prayed for those who have died as a result of conflict, whose bodies are still trapped under the ruins and abandoned in the fields... I prayed for those left behind, burdened by the knowledge of their beloved's death or the absence of news... I prayed that their deaths would not be in vain... and I prayed that we would not repeat the incidents that led to their death.

I could imagine, that in some point in time, a young woman like me, would have stood where I was now, and mourn the passing of her brother, father, or husband who lay buried there... She would ponder the meaning of his sacrifice, she would weigh the price of his life with the geo-political gain that had been derived from it. And I believe she would be left wanting justification.

We left the Camp as Living Stones, called to testify, to be the solid rock foundation in our countries scattered over the globe about peace. We are Living Stones, we affirm that dialog and understanding yield results. We believe that a common humanity and love of life inhabits our spirit and that despite cultural and linguistic barriers, we can contribute to alleviating each other's suffering.

Siamo Pietre vive,
Wir sind Lebendige steine,
Nous sommes Pierres Vivantes,
We are Living Stones!

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-12-26T20:12:00.000+02:00

Leaving in a few hours, going to Paris to participate in a camp called The Living Stones... Next post will be in the new year... can't believe its 2007 so soon!

Christmas?

2006-12-18T10:23:00.000+02:00

A cold breeze ruffles my hair, and I pull my coat tighter around me, but autumn is still here, refusing to leave and concede its place to winter. The season of dead leaves and bare trees has grown attached to our land... Maybe winter is still at bay because the sky has no more tears left to cry in the rain... I look around me and see scarcely decorated streets, looking gloomy and undressed without the many Christmas lights and trees and stars; crying out for people to fill the void, for carols to fill the air, and for a sense of security and peace to reign.

This year, there won't be snow in Lebanon at Christmas time. The mountain tops are still brown and gray and their rocky slopes are devoid of that special icing that makes the moon shine brighter and reflect their whiteness. Many people are without homes, family members, supplies, not to mention gifts... This Christmas... it will be a long time forgetting this Christmas...

First and foremost Christmas is reflected in feelings of hope, joy, understanding, and promises of better tomorrows...
Christmas is a time for sharing and caring and listening...
Christmas is a time of LOVE and rebirth...

From the social to the personal level, Christmas is elusive. Maybe it is caught in the post, maybe it was re-routed somewhere else, maybe the north star isn't shining as brightly as it used to... I don't know... But Christmas... is not here this year... yet... will it arrive on time?

To catching up + keeping in touch

2006-12-14T16:11:00.000+02:00

A stroll down memory lane takes me to my Sweet 16, first time in love with a french guy who was here for the summer. For one year, mails + phone-calls went back and forth between 2 continents, 2 countries, and 2 hearts. Then the inevitable breakup occurred: wrong timing, wrong place... and we went our separate ways...

I talked to him today, for the first time in a long time... it felt so good to know that i was a sweet memory in his mind, someone he never forgot and still respects, as he is also frozen in my mind as a great person with an honest and generous heart.

Dedicated to Greg

Blank.Bland.Bare.

2006-12-11T16:25:00.000+02:00

Blank

Memorial of a visionary
I can't breathe
I can't think

Bland

Colors become grey
Sounds become noise
I'm socially numb

Bare

Stressed out heart
Silent mind
Soul in flight

Dedicated to Gibran Tueini

Coveted Toy

2006-12-10T23:42:00.000+02:00

A battle of wills between two spoiled children, fighting over a coveted toy. Each holds part of it, and in the tug of war, the toy is destroyed and then discarded, slumped in a corner, all forlorn.

Parents warn and threaten and offer alternatives...
but in the end the toy is no longer a source of pleasure but pain...

Sometimes it is a book, source of knowledge and information...
Sometimes it is a walking robot, teaching mechanics...
Sometimes it is a stuffed bunny, providing comfort...

Eventually it is damaged beyond repair...
And the break though mended, shows...
And in the corner it is cast away...
While the children move on to something new

Today's Lesson

2006-12-08T12:20:00.000+02:00

We were never androgynous... So why is everyone being asked to let go of their identity to form a bland androgynous self? Different appearances do not necessarily have to clash: the rainbow is made of several beautiful and diverse colors which collaborate side by side without trying to taint all the others... the sun is most beautiful at dawn or dusk, when in a kaleidoscope of color it fills the sky with its magnitude and splendor...

I think Mother Nature is trying to teach us a lesson. The Earth that came before us and will remain long after we are gone is trying to instill a sense of plurality and respect... and to teach us that our strength is in our diversity and that unity does not mean obliteration...

However, our "leaders" are hiding behind concrete walls and beneath steel columns, pondering how and when and where they will be able to erase one another and enforce one vision... when in fact the solution is not in erasing, but rather embracing...

We should learn to stand tall and proudly affirm our identity: be it LEBANESE, religious, or sexual... in short, OURSELVES... and we should learn to accept the other whose identity is different without trying to impose ourselves on them. We should learn to try, instead of giving up too soon, or worse, jumping to conclusions; for WE CAN create a wonderful picture of harmony through acceptance and humanity.

BOboum... BOboummmm...

2006-12-07T10:32:00.000+02:00

BOboum... BOboum...
pounding headache; is the noise inside my head or around it? i don't know anymore...
BOboum... BOboum...

i miss my friends who are abroad, and i don't fault them for wanting stability; this is the price for leaving your home and family... stability and the possibility of a future...

right now, there is no peace, even its illusion has faded and been replaced with the stark reality: protests, bombs, interviews, statements, posters, flags, camps, and people...we do come at the end of the line, almost forgotten, bearing the brunt of it all... people who have been pulled into a lose-lose situation...

Christmas is just around the corner, but where is the Christmas spirit of love, understanding, joy and giving?? I think it has migrated with the birds fleeing the cold, ugly, winter... the winds have swept through us and left us bare, branches sticking out, piercing the sky, so uncomfortable even the cats do not grace them with their presence... the moon, draped in a veil of clouds, shines warily in the night, casting its eerie glow over protesters and supporters alike... it warns... but who will heed the warning?

BOboum... BOboummmm... echo in my hollow heart... where shadows play in the recesses of a country torn apart by freedom...

"Khallouna n3ich" i.e. Let us live

2006-12-01T16:55:00.000+02:00

i have been trying to write for several days now, but my attempts have ended with a few lines and an empty page... what can i say, slogans are thrown left, right, and center, created and appropriated, beautiful words to no avail...

"Badna n3ich" i.e. we want to live! yes we do, but where? and how? in this politically charged context can we still be neutral? even if the options range from bad to worse? this is the dilemma i find myself in... yes, we want to live, and this local phrase that has been adopted by two opposing political forces reflects the will of a people to live with dignity, in union with one another, so that future generations can grow up strong and confident in a country that has their best interest at heart.

Now, people are camped out in Downtown Beirut; they are willing to sacrifice their time and livelihood for change. Not far away, prime minister and ministers are also camping out in a state office to continue going about their daily business. Both want change. Both believe they are doing their civic duty. Both think they have the answer. In fact, i think a screaming match is going on, with accusations being catapulted over protesters and soldiers, landing on deaf ears.

The main difference now, is that instead of being divided according to religious beliefs, the dividing factor is foreign allegiance... we are now looking at 2 boxes of sweets, each containing different flavors, but one that is made in the Arab world, and another made in the Western world. What they do not notice is that they each have an expiry date, after which their manufacturers will forget all about them and start baking the new batch.

Why are we still failing this lesson? How can we live in a battleground? What are we expected to do? Survive? And survive again?

Living is NOT surviving. It is not merely finding a way to reach tomorrow.
Living is having the possibility to dream, to hope, to create, and to excel! Yes, "badna n3ich", we do want to live. And we want our brothers and sisters and parents and grandparents to live too. We want to feel that we are doing the right choice staying here in our country, our home. We want to have the security of knowing we won't be laid off work, that we can depend on our economy, that we are being offered the best health care possible, and that we won't be judged by our religious beliefs or political inclinations. We want to be able to walk down the street without jumping every time we hear a firecracker explode and mistake it for something else, and we want to stop wearing black and mourning people who were taken too soon.

Maybe we too should appropriate the phrase "badna n3ich"... that evolved to "la2nno badna n3ich"... to make it "khallouna n3ich"...
i.e. 1.we want to live... 2.because we want to live... 3.LET US LIVE...

If I could, would I?

2006-11-27T17:34:00.000+02:00

For some it is an option, for others a reality...
When in old age, memories are blurred and the vision of the past replaces the present...
When the future is a constant journey backwards, where fantasy and reality play hand in hand to create disillusionment and confusion is the ultimate prize...

Everyday starts in a memory of a place, which in the present, is no more... And everyday, the journey to the familiar starts anew.

If i could, would i?

Would i relish the promise of new horizons, or mourn those i passed along the way? Would i embrace the unknown or pine for the comfortably secure? Would i become a nomad or a madwoman? And would i surrender to the reality or fight against it?

What people or objects characterize my home? Would there presence be sufficient to keep me moving forward? Would i journey back to my "house" every night, or will my new destination become my "home"?

If i could, would i? I may not be lucid enough to know...

Of assassinations and dreams

2006-11-23T14:44:00.001+02:00

Red, oozing, unsatisfied...
Seeping, staining, marking, changing...

White, disappearing, fainting...
...into a crowded, over-saturated competition

Future prospects? Unclear...
This freedom which we seek is elusive, beyond reach, always dependent on something or someone... no bigger picture to hang on to...

Lebanon is stuck in a permanent funeral procession... Once dubbed the beacon of free speech, it has been silenced, drowned out by bomb blasts and machine guns, ambulance sirens and bells in mourning...

Shall we forget? Or just repeat? Or even better, pretend?
Are we building the future or dismanteling the past? And have we the strength and conviction for either?

Of assassinations and dreams, of people, who, in a moment of strength, put aside their differences and came together... and have been fighting ever since...

One nation with several sects, one spirit with several visions, but only one life/person and only one death, one chance for redemption.

And only one country to fight over and to fight for...
Are we doing the former or the latter? And in doing so, are we thinking beyond our selfish needs?

Politicians are playing poker with stakes that are not theirs, but those of future generations who have the right to live in a country which is free and where their dreams can become reality.

However, we are silently standing by, watching them lose hand after hand, at a game they can never win, building up a debt which they won't repay at the expense of the people who will follow them blindly, to the edge, where they will be left hanging... while their representatives move on to another game.

Professional Mourners

2006-11-23T10:07:00.000+02:00

It seems we have become professional mourners, ready to prepare a grand scale funeral on short notice. Our closet is composed mainly of black clothes, and our flag is permanently placed in our car's trunk. We are used to crowds, to processions, to the whining siren of the "death" car and to that unquenchable sadness... All our preparations can not bring them back, it can only serve as a sending off, a tribute to one who will be greatly missed.

Goodbye, goodbye dear man... words are depleted and all i can say, is look out for us, when you're looking from above... and pray, that the country for which you died will live on...

[in] dependence

2006-11-22T10:47:00.000+02:00

We are supposed to celebrate our independence today... Which one?

Remind me of this event which is supposed to celebrate our freedom, our ability to make our own decisions... where we will live free, in our country, with our heads held high..
Remind me of this country which we are not supposed to leave... where we are supposed to feel safe enough to invest time and money and effort and love... where we will raise that which is most precious to us, our families...
Remind me...why tears of blood pass unnoticed on the cloth of freedom... and why the only course of action is elimination, not discourse, dialogue, or debate...
Remind me... should i forget, of this high cause where so many have been sacrificied...

It seems to me that we have been caught [in] our dependence... and mistake it for independence...

Nature Reversed

2006-11-22T09:38:00.000+02:00

How i wish this blog had been given the chance to sink into oblivion, to remain as a sweet aftertaste of candy after a bitter meal. However this has not been possible ... what is happening is unfair, so UNFAIR...

Fathers mourning their sons...nature is reversed, and the future is nipped in the bud... no matter who he is, no matter his political inclination, he is first and foremost a young man, a human being, a father, a brother, a son...

We all wished that the serial assasinations had come to an end, that political representatives would be able to get to work safely. It seems we have the highest mortality rate on the road from accidents unrelated to cars...

We're being cynical, we're tired, we're sad.... we see a young man lying in a coffin, wrapped in a flag, held on the shoulders of his friends, raised high above the crowds... white ribbons, representing life, young blood, spent. Tears are trapped, tears overflow, in the silent recesses of our being... we are being eroded; our morality and our humanity are eaten away by the acidic, horrific series of events that have marked in blood the wish of a nation to be free. But is this freedom? Is this high priced commodity even within reach? Prayers fill the air, chants mumbled seeking peace and redemption for a soul already in the hands of God... Leaving the living numb...

Time Capsule

2006-11-09T11:00:00.000+02:00

"My love, 3 years we've been together, but numbers do no justice to the certainty with which you know me, all the way to the bottom of my heart and soul, where I hide my tears, my fears, my secrets and my dreams... You have ventured there, you were brave, and now, you are mine forevermore, as I am yours..."

I contributed to a Time Capsule set up by Yahoo, where submissions to various themes, including love where requested...
Someday in the year 2020, perhaps when email becomes what fax is now, i will receive a reminder, and will look back on this contribution... I hope it will still be valid. You know, it is hard to seriously consider the future while fully living out the present. That does not render our fascination with ours/and others progression in life any less. Stumbling onto a piece of the past is like uncovering a little treasure, an insight into the events that shaped us into the people we are today.
To my love, I mean every word, they're not put together just to rhyme... And I know we're in for a tough time, but i'm sure we can withstand the test of time and people and...I'm scared sometimes, when I think of my masterplan for my life, and how so many things don't depend on just me, and can therefore go wrong... and then I think that I can only do my best, the rest is not up to me anyways... I hope that when that day comes in 2020, we'll be sipping coffee in our loft, under that beautiful wood arch you built me, and smile... and kiss... with no regrets...

Goodbye

2006-11-01T16:55:00.000+02:00

Goodbye, till we meet again,
in a place where there is no pain and no suffering.

Goodbye, till we meet again, little angel of mine...
Stormy skies weep your passing, even the sun wears a black veil...

But every now and then a ray of hope slips by, unannouced..
and it reminds me that this goodbye is not forever...

That i carry you with me always...and that you live on through me...

dedicated to Maya-goodbye

Revisiting...

2006-10-31T11:02:00.000+02:00

An elderly mans slowly shuffles by, his eyes weary, his shoulders burdened by all the years, all the worries, and all the pain he has endured... Leaning on his cane, he makes his way down the hall, his goal simple, to reach the chair with dignity, without stumbling...
He is surrounded by family members, yet he is lonely, his wife of so many years dead, for nearly two years now, and he still can't get over the fact that she will not lie in the bed next to his... and even thought he knows he is loved by his children and grandchildren, that his every whim is considered sacred, he is weary of his solitary journey...

At night, I share a room with that elderly man, my grandfather, dear to my heart. I now occupy the bed which was once my grandmother's, where i used to cuddle in beside her for a long bedtime story...
I have appointed myself guardian of that tender and loving person who is my grandfather. I have held him while we both cried over her loss. I have helped him sit up in bed when his arms failed him, i have helped him put on his slippers, I have tucked him in... but i am not her, and i can never replace the void she has left in all of our hearts.

i have never met anyone like my grandmother, my Teta... when she found out she was diagnosed with cancer, she was grateful it was her and not any other member of her family... God, she was brave...
She was soft spoken, never raised her voice, and meticulously arranged her house, so that it was always spotless and always had good food in the fridge... I remember how she lovingly addressed even the most banal of things, such as preparing sandwiches for me to take to school: they all had to be the same size, wrapped in cling film with an extra napkin, just in case. I remember the drawer that never ran out of chocolate, i remember the wise words she bestowed, and i remember that day in, day out, she was always there for me. When i left for school, when i returned, when i went to camp, the one person i could always count on was her. Even though she was very frail, she had the heart of a lion; she even travelled to Africa to see me when i was born...

It has been a while since she came to mind. When she died, i couldn't stop thinking of her. I wanted to engrave every single detail in my memory. Then, it was even harder letting go. Slowly she settled into my heart and mind with the confort of a fond memory. For a while, she even faded away... But yesterday, i revisited her. I thought i had overcome the longing, but a silly film released all my pentup feelings.
As i lay in her bed, tears streaming down my face, i paid hommage to this wise woman, my hero, my Teta. I recalled her dauntless spirit, her gentle touch, her huge heart, her faith, her courage, and her untiring arms, that swept, cooked, cleaned and tended every wound.

Teta, you loved and loved until you could love no more... Even in dying, you taught me a valuable lesson about life... You live on, in me.

My precious

2006-10-24T09:12:00.000+03:00

My precious,
You are not here and yet you fill my world
I can already see you: dark hair, pale skin,
eyes gleaming with mischief,
beautiful and healthy...
and even if you are not, i will love you all the same

My precious,
We have been waiting for you,
All my life has been in preparation for this moment
When I will hold you in my arms.
You are a gift from the dearest person in the world
One i will treasure forever... and one who will also treasure me
From now on, it is all about you

My precious,
Dear little soul growing in me,
I can feel every move you make...
I can feel you stretching your toes and yawning and going to sleep, feeling safe
I talk to you often, telling you stories about your dad, about me, about all the things we're going to do together...

So sleep tight, my precious. Mommy's looking over you tonight

dedicated to new mommy peggy!

Action-Reaction

2006-10-13T09:22:00.000+03:00

And SO i embark on the latest quick water situation that has left me appalled at the flip side of human nature. Recently, I have been wondering: whatever happened to the motto "do unto others as you want others to do unto you?"
Having been raised on that notion, i was extremely surprised to find it has exceptionally little followers. For example: when i am honest in my dealings, i am stabbed in the back; when i bend over backwards to accomodate someone, they conveniently forget me after the deadline has been met.

Why isn't kindness reciprocated with kindness? Or at least good will? Why the need to nullify the other? There is no winner when there is no competition left. If everything happening around us was a disproportionate and unjust reaction to something else, would we have the courage to take initiatives and make the world a better place? I don't know many people who are that brave...

This is not an attempt to be justified or avenged. It is a sincere plea for honesty and fairness. I know the world is a harsh place. I know i'm in for a rude awakening. I live only in the illusion that the person whom you did not knowingly hurt, should not, in the pursuit of his/her own goals, trample over you.

If only we could respectfully find a way to move forward without acting beneath us, the law of action/reaction would prove very useful indeed.

Blog Became a Book!

2006-10-10T09:52:00.000+03:00

As everyone is re-absorbed by the daily activities in their lives, great initiatives may fall behind. I apologize for not writing sooner, I have been overwhelmed by the wheel that moves forward never backwards and does so at its own pace, crushing those who stand in its way.

I do have some great news to share. This blog has been self-published and is part of an exhibition entitled Nafas Beirut at Espace SD. The exhibition is from Oct. 12 - Nov. 17.

Check it out: http://www.espacesd.com/newdetail.htm

If you are in Lebanon and feel like passing by, please do so. An empty book will also be featured for all your comments.

Thank you, all of you, for being there for me. This book would never have been possible otherwise.

When the body speaks

2006-09-25T16:08:00.000+03:00

I am stuck in a body whose permanent revolt is turned inwards, spewing acid all the way from the esophagus to the stomach. Gastritis the revenge, is back to destroy what little tranquility is left. Sleep, as elusive as ever, teases me with the sweet surrender of dreams that have long been forgotton...

As new beginnings unfold and fresh opportunities await, shadows of an unfulfilled soul lurk nearby, refusing to be still. Unless they are resolved, they will linger and pester and fester and turn into a malignant growth. They will haunt me and absorb my energy, my faith, my hope, my life. They will plunge me in despair.

Oh body of mine, what tale do you tell, of a woman who's in, well over her head? Or is your prodding and nausea a stark reminder of being left behind, untended, while other things were pursued?

When the body speaks, even the mind will be silenced to listen to the secrets it spills, for it is the stress-ometer, it alone can reveal what we often do not want to admit, what we had ignored, what we thought would go away. The pain is not painful but a chance to fix things, to become a better person.

You have my attention now, I am listening, but please, speak softly... whisper, what's going on?

Apolitical view

2006-09-14T14:26:00.000+03:00

How ironic. We never seem to outgrow bad habits accumulated over the years and honed with a scary precision... Especially the habit of trying to politicize any initiative, color it a certain way, and hide from it.

Maybe the recent war has provided enough food for thought to set rampant such aspirations... Everyone is appropriating the events and turning the war into a vehicule for self promotion...

However, we are in big trouble if we haven't learned to look beyond the appearances by now... There is a bigger potential to tap into, an opportunity to delve into the humane, to put faces to the people who bore the brunt of the war, the apolitical lay person who was affected: mentally or physically or financially.. The person who is now picking up the pieces of a fragmented existence, trying to make sense of it all, to make it work...

People like you and me, people who are reaching out, people who want to make a difference. Judged for not being with some political figure head, as if somehow my identity is correlated to this or that. How can you take a political stance from an apolitical person?? Or is that a statement in itself? This is why our voice needs to be heard... through blogs and other methods, so the silent majority, once overwhelmed can stand its ground and help shape the future, and color it with the untainted freedom of expression.

The Puppet

2006-09-07T17:22:00.000+03:00

The puppet master pulls the strings and directs the path traversed by a subdued puppet whose silent head bobs up and down.

Beautiful puppet, yanked back and forth, you might as well be a spectator of the show; you know not what will happen next, cannot forsee the plot... all you know are the confines of that box... You are in your controlled environment: the stage your border, the fake clouds your sky... Boundaries within boundaries reinforce your fear, you exist to entertain, but not to think.

And one day you realise that the strings once taunt, lie limp by your side as you lay in the dark, and you push them aside, you try to stand up, you are filled with enthusiasm, even though you might drop! You raise the lid, take a look around, and notice the stage has disappeared.

Puppet no more, but limp object none the less, you look around and take in yourself. You are finally free, you have found your release, and even though the future seems bleak, you can't help but peak. The puppet you once were, now the writer you've become, dictating the path you want to run down.

Wind of change, blow my way

2006-08-28T09:48:00.000+03:00

I have learnt that you make your own destiny. If you fail to rise to the occasion, to take a risk, to dare to dream, then you will become a rock, worn away by the elements, degrading with time. If you do not dare to change, if you do not allow yourself to be swept away sometimes, to feel the wind of change blowing through your hair, then you will never appreciate the opportunities available to you.

Sometimes, change occurs before you notice it. Sometimes, it is inevitable. Sometimes, you actively seek it. And sometimes, you wish it had never happened.

The challenge is in realising that if you embrace it, it can lead you down a path full of promises, but which is clouded by doubt and worry... a path you might not have ventured on in the beginning, but which rises to a new plateau...

I have decided to take some risks of my own. I want to be heard. I want my words to touch someone's heart and jolt them into action.

I have decided to let the wind re-direct my steps... and dare...
My dream is to publish this blog; to write, to hope, to love.

I am addressing this to you, all of you:
I would like to publish this blog + others, maybe as an anthology, definitely as a reminder. I think that we have the opportunity to voice our concerns, our hopes, our fears, ourselves...

I believe we stand a chance of making a difference, in making sure the humane side is not lost along the way to political stardom.

If you have any ideas, if you know anyone who might be interested, do not hesitate to let me know. My dream depends on you.

Till we meet again

2006-08-19T11:15:00.000+03:00

This week, many people said goodbye.

Many people who would not have met under different circumstances, tearfully parted ways with the people who welcomed them and with whom they lived for the past month. Children and the volunteers who came in day after to day to play with them made promises to see one another again; their most prized possessions, drawings, dances, activities learnt during their forced vacation, treasured in their hearts, theirs forever.

This inter-cultural, inter-religious dialogue would never have been possible if this crisis had not occurred. Let us not allow this crisis to be in vain. Even though the public schools, houses, and apartments, once bursting at the seams with people who had left their homes are now empty, they still echo with their spirit, and it sings this song: "Till we meet again. take care, stay safe, know that our homes are always open, and always remember how brave we were together, and how that changed us both for the better."