hopeful beirut

100th Post

If there's anything I've learnt throughout this past year is that time is everything... and nothing...

Numbers, deadlines, anniversaries, months, years, bank statements, kilometers driven, lunches, dinners, meetings... they all take on a magical quality when we add on an "expectation" to those otherwise dry factual numbers... then they become imbued with hope.

I used to give great value to dates, every great accomplishment could only be measured by its timeline, and flexibility to adapt itself to all the other circumstancial factors that affect our interconnected lives...

Any missed appointment was a self-inflicted failure, every adjustment or delay was a challenge to overcome. Today better than tomorrow, to get things done.

F l o w i n g, simply b e i n g, and l e t t i n g  g o  did not exist in my lexicon. I believed that by sheer dedication and will power, I could bend the universe... I could resist any pain, any person, any situation...

I was in a fight against time. I had been in a relationship with someone younger than me, so I was already in a losing battle.. and was always looking to make up for lost time... afraid that time would pass me by... and that I would be left behind...

I started to view myself through that lens... by the time i'm ## I should have accomplished this or that or the other... if i'm not engaged/married by this age, then I would have failed my commitment to myself... if i don't start work after ## months of returning to Lebanon, I would be lazy and reliant on my parents...

If I... if by then I hadn't... if this time passes... if the future becomes the past... if if if if iFIFIFIF

Then the unimaginable happened... and time stopped.
Suddenly there was a now.
Apparently things can get out of hand despite all timely efforts.

And you discover...
that past endeavors are no guarantee for future success and fulfillment...
that time is warped, making years of commitment fade into memory and amplifying months of separation into entire years...
that letting go can seem like abandoning future dreams, leaving you touching your way out of a dark foggy corridor, that knows no end...

and that when all is said and done, you have to live fully every moment... so that no matter if it goes your way or not, you would not have failed yourself...

Today I write my 100th post on this blog, and I renew my promise to myself, to live every moment fully, to discover life's intricacies, to challenge myself, to let go, to ready myself without tying myself to expectations, to flow, and to cherish those around me... and to always always write from the heart.

posted by hopeful beirut @ 11:11