Thursday, August 10, 2006

23 going on 50

Today, I have aged.

I'm 23 going on 50.

I'm old and tired and my body aches...

It doesn't respond well to being huddled in the corner of the bathroom, crying. My stomach is queasy, and I resist the urge to vomit every 5 minutes. I take a look at the bathroom walls, absorbing every detail when a scary question comes to mind: what would be the quickest way to evacuate the house? What items would I need to take along?

That question shook me to the very core, and the tears that had been building up since the beginning of this hell exploded. It was as if the dam had broken and I could hold them back no more. Huddled in my corner, heaving and sighing, I started making mental notes: the most important item was my grandfather's medicine... more tears welled up... his cane too... God, would he make it out of the house on time, if we had to leave?

I dry my tears.
I promised myself I would never again succomb to this helplessness. Its just that the longer this goes on, the more time we'll need to recover, and more of my dreams will have to be postponed.

I feel older, much older.
More cynical too.

Grasping on to my humanity, I vow I will go down kicking.
I'm not ready to blow out those candles just yet.


At Friday, August 11, 2006 , Blogger Piece of My Mind said...

Joumana, hz ur family doin? Keep blogging. Am so helpless, jus readin n prayin for all of u out thr. Tryin to see the situation thru ur eyes. As i come to work, its part of my routine to chk ur blog to see if things r gettin better, if God's answerin ur prayers and ours. Wishin that innocent families like urs come out safe and sound. Rememberin all of u in my daily prayers...Pl hold on...

At Friday, August 11, 2006 , Anonymous Fran aka Redondowriter said...

I can certainly understand how you feell you are aging given the senselessness of what is going on in your part of the world. It breaks my heart to see the violence--and how the innocent are the ones who seem to bear the brunt of power struggles. And I sit here in my beautiful home by the ocean in So Cal--and know that it all could change in a heartbeat. A day at a time. Thinking of you. I linked to you from Susanne's blog.

At Friday, August 11, 2006 , Blogger Caroline said...

Hello, I found your blog through an article in a British newspaper.
Your entries have made me cry, I should have been in Lebanon now with my in laws, I love Lebanon, it is so hard for us stuck here having to watch it on TV. I would rather be there. Take care and stay safe, we are praying for you all.
Caroline x

At Friday, August 11, 2006 , Anonymous rachel said...

Much love and prayers from Rachel in Birmingham in the UK. Wish I could do more. The world is so unfair. There is a sunny future for you out there somewhere. I'm reading your blog everyday. xxx

At Friday, August 11, 2006 , Anonymous Chris said...

I wish I could pluck you out of there and put you someplace safe. I wish I could make it all stop. The political processes in my country (USA)that contribute to your country's plight sicken me. I don't know what the answers are but I do know what's happening isn't the answer. I will hold you in my heart and wish fervently for safety for all of you.

At Saturday, August 12, 2006 , Blogger Jenm said...

Do not go gentle gentle into that good night... rage, rage against the dying of the light.

You are too young and too full of life to be defeated. Please remember that when you are in a dark place.

At Saturday, August 12, 2006 , Blogger jarvenpa said...

Your strength--for you are strong, even in your times of reasonable despair and fear--is an inspiration. I hold you, and all your country, in my heart.


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