Saturday, August 05, 2006

Charade

I think I have been playing a charade with myself.

Today my body was trying to tell me something, something I wasn't ready to admit to myself. But it was unrelentless and until I yielded, it would not be quiet. Every fiber in my body was screaming out: You're afraid!!! Scared!! Worn out!

But why? I have been involved in community work with refugee children. I have been hanging out with my friends.
I have been writing. I have been active.

I have not given in to depression. I have not cried. I have resisted the use of the word WAR.

Yet my body was telling me that I was fearful, that somehow, despite my efforts, that dark feeling had crept into my heart and was slowly poisoning it.

I avoid going to bed early because I want to be too tired to analyse. I want to fall asleep so deeply that neither the sound of rockets nor nightmares will awaken me.

I want to sink into oblivion and wake up to a brand new day. But what i'm really waking up to is the morning news, praying that no more bridges have been burnt and that the Qana massacre has not been repeated.

Can you blame me for wanting to sleep late?

And once I have guessed the charade, I wonder what the next step is... whether it is in my hands...

Sorry this is not making much sense. I am too tired and worn out to think.

I have never been good at charades.

9 Comments:

At Sunday, August 06, 2006 , Blogger Pb said...

Hi Joumana,

I'm Bhargavi, 27 years, writing from India. I read about your blog in an article in our National Newspaper The Hindu this morning, on how bloggers like you reveal so much more about what is happening in your country than newspapers can, or for that matter, do.

I was so moved by something you wrote - We will check the price of of peace and wonder if we gambled the future along the way.

You are playing with the highest of stakes here. And I just wanted to say, that, sincerely, if there is anything I can do, my little bit, to set your haunted mind at ease, to help tame the yo-yo effect that plagues so many of your countrymen and women, I'll do it anytime. Today is friendship day, and maybe something meaningful can begin today, and something bigger maybe accomplished by two young girls with dreams in their eyes, and stark reality all around.

Do let me know, and I do wish I can help. For starters, I'd like to provide a link to your blog on mine, let me know if you're ok with that.

As for the other side of this slender coin that I flip your way, your writing is unlike the usual fare of blogs. It's beautiful, and truly so.

Here's hoping the charade will soon end.

 
At Sunday, August 06, 2006 , Anonymous Ronny said...

Ay! heres another one hoping that the charade will come to an end for you. Im very greatful for u people to allow us to paint a larger picture of whats happening, broader than tv-news:(

So be brave and hopefully justice, salvation & peace will come even though it looks pretty grim at the moment.

U write in a way that touch hearts, its the best way of making understanding and after that maybe peace.

 
At Sunday, August 06, 2006 , Anonymous amina bech said...

Your blog realy touched my heart.. you brings a "human face" into it all - which is so much more valiuable than any news, or any "headline".. If there is anything I can do.., please let me now..

I am an artist and I'm working with a new serie of photo constructions with an political angle that touches this conflict, and war in general - my tiny bit of "help".. all artist should use their "voice"..

all the best wishes & love from Norway
-- amina

 
At Sunday, August 06, 2006 , Blogger jarvenpa said...

Hello dear--in Northern California, and you are just a few years older than my beloved daughter, and younger than my eldest son.
Please know that even in the United States there are many who are gravely concerned for Lebanon--and who are touched by your writing, and who wish you well and safe.

 
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