Tuesday, October 31, 2006


An elderly mans slowly shuffles by, his eyes weary, his shoulders burdened by all the years, all the worries, and all the pain he has endured... Leaning on his cane, he makes his way down the hall, his goal simple, to reach the chair with dignity, without stumbling...
He is surrounded by family members, yet he is lonely, his wife of so many years dead, for nearly two years now, and he still can't get over the fact that she will not lie in the bed next to his... and even thought he knows he is loved by his children and grandchildren, that his every whim is considered sacred, he is weary of his solitary journey...

At night, I share a room with that elderly man, my grandfather, dear to my heart. I now occupy the bed which was once my grandmother's, where i used to cuddle in beside her for a long bedtime story...
I have appointed myself guardian of that tender and loving person who is my grandfather. I have held him while we both cried over her loss. I have helped him sit up in bed when his arms failed him, i have helped him put on his slippers, I have tucked him in... but i am not her, and i can never replace the void she has left in all of our hearts.

i have never met anyone like my grandmother, my Teta... when she found out she was diagnosed with cancer, she was grateful it was her and not any other member of her family... God, she was brave...
She was soft spoken, never raised her voice, and meticulously arranged her house, so that it was always spotless and always had good food in the fridge... I remember how she lovingly addressed even the most banal of things, such as preparing sandwiches for me to take to school: they all had to be the same size, wrapped in cling film with an extra napkin, just in case. I remember the drawer that never ran out of chocolate, i remember the wise words she bestowed, and i remember that day in, day out, she was always there for me. When i left for school, when i returned, when i went to camp, the one person i could always count on was her. Even though she was very frail, she had the heart of a lion; she even travelled to Africa to see me when i was born...

It has been a while since she came to mind. When she died, i couldn't stop thinking of her. I wanted to engrave every single detail in my memory. Then, it was even harder letting go. Slowly she settled into my heart and mind with the confort of a fond memory. For a while, she even faded away... But yesterday, i revisited her. I thought i had overcome the longing, but a silly film released all my pentup feelings.
As i lay in her bed, tears streaming down my face, i paid hommage to this wise woman, my hero, my Teta. I recalled her dauntless spirit, her gentle touch, her huge heart, her faith, her courage, and her untiring arms, that swept, cooked, cleaned and tended every wound.

Teta, you loved and loved until you could love no more... Even in dying, you taught me a valuable lesson about life... You live on, in me.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

My precious

My precious,
You are not here and yet you fill my world
I can already see you: dark hair, pale skin,
eyes gleaming with mischief,
beautiful and healthy...
and even if you are not, i will love you all the same

My precious,
We have been waiting for you,
All my life has been in preparation for this moment
When I will hold you in my arms.
You are a gift from the dearest person in the world
One i will treasure forever... and one who will also treasure me
From now on, it is all about you

My precious,
Dear little soul growing in me,
I can feel every move you make...
I can feel you stretching your toes and yawning and going to sleep, feeling safe
I talk to you often, telling you stories about your dad, about me, about all the things we're going to do together...

So sleep tight, my precious. Mommy's looking over you tonight

dedicated to new mommy peggy!

Friday, October 13, 2006


And SO i embark on the latest quick water situation that has left me appalled at the flip side of human nature. Recently, I have been wondering: whatever happened to the motto "do unto others as you want others to do unto you?"
Having been raised on that notion, i was extremely surprised to find it has exceptionally little followers. For example: when i am honest in my dealings, i am stabbed in the back; when i bend over backwards to accomodate someone, they conveniently forget me after the deadline has been met.

Why isn't kindness reciprocated with kindness? Or at least good will? Why the need to nullify the other? There is no winner when there is no competition left. If everything happening around us was a disproportionate and unjust reaction to something else, would we have the courage to take initiatives and make the world a better place? I don't know many people who are that brave...

This is not an attempt to be justified or avenged. It is a sincere plea for honesty and fairness. I know the world is a harsh place. I know i'm in for a rude awakening. I live only in the illusion that the person whom you did not knowingly hurt, should not, in the pursuit of his/her own goals, trample over you.

If only we could respectfully find a way to move forward without acting beneath us, the law of action/reaction would prove very useful indeed.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Blog Became a Book!

As everyone is re-absorbed by the daily activities in their lives, great initiatives may fall behind. I apologize for not writing sooner, I have been overwhelmed by the wheel that moves forward never backwards and does so at its own pace, crushing those who stand in its way.

I do have some great news to share. This blog has been self-published and is part of an exhibition entitled Nafas Beirut at Espace SD. The exhibition is from Oct. 12 - Nov. 17.

Check it out: http://www.espacesd.com/newdetail.htm

If you are in Lebanon and feel like passing by, please do so. An empty book will also be featured for all your comments.

Thank you, all of you, for being there for me. This book would never have been possible otherwise.