Saturday, June 23, 2007


For a certain time now, I have been trying to find a certain guaranteed formula for success and happiness. I believed that if I followed a certain path, if I worked hard, stuck to a job, planned out my future, that I would be happy. I thought that I had to get certain things done by a certain time for me to fully enjoy my status as a successful individual. Getting a better salary, getting a master's degree, getting a house, and getting married, in that order, were supposed to determine how much joy fills my life. However, life, is never that simple. And happiness is never guaranteed. Sometimes its good to have milestones + deadlines but sometimes, hanging on to them too tightly can choke the life out of them and prevent them from providing a certain comfort once they are attained.

More important than the when, is the how... and with whom... so no matter the time line, its the experience itself that makes it worthwhile. Maybe the list isn't chronological, maybe its simultaneous, maybe some things need to shift... maybe...

What is sure is that decisions need to be made, courageous decisions... and maybe it's ok not to have a plan for a while, or at least to allow room for change within it... I don't know... I'm trying... but maybe the real strategy to follow is to be happy now, because it's a road not a destination... I don't know/ old habits die hard... and sometimes new ones are just a blur...

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Things that are helping me

This post was supposed to be about proverbs that are helping me overcome this "impasse" that I find myself stuck in.. However some things are not meant to be, as I sat down several times to start but only went as far as the title...

This is the second time this week that my meetings have been disrupted by a phone-call, or the sound of a blast... and there would be havoc... wrecking innocent people's lives and sources of livelihood.

A cousin who visited last month appropriately dubbed my country as "Leba bomb".
Ironic. Sad. and True.

If only it weren't becoming a fact of life...
If only we weren't drenched in fear...
If only we could guarantee our safety... and that of our loved ones..

The: Car / Road / Home /Workplace / School / Movie theater / Shopping Mall / Beach Resort /University are ALL targets... some have already been hit...

As ordinary citizens, we are doomed...

My friend "p" is expecting to deliver anytime this month... and what kind of world is she bringing her child into? Will the sound of a lullaby silence the blasts? Will the strength of her embrace protect him? Will the safety of the womb ever be regained? Today it seems that every act of life is accomplished with great courage... and bravery... and just a touch of madness.

And while we are busy rebuilding and creating activities that will help the young people in our care to grow into decent human beings that care about one another and who believe in making a difference, we find that even these innocent moments are overshadowed by concerns over safety. And it is becoming harder to instill hope and a sense of belonging among these young people and indeed among ourselves because there isn't a ray of hope that isn't being squashed. It's as if there is a permanent eclipse of the sun... we know it's there, but it just isn't showing...

Finally the quotes originally the content of this post are:
" All the art of living lies in a fine mingling… between holding on and letting go..."
"Both in love and war, it is impossible to foresee everything" Paolo Coelho
"Most of the pain of change comes from our resistance to it"

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Ramblings of a pre-occupied mind, oblivious soul

It seems that all my life I have been looking for stability, security.... Why? I don't know... I never thought of myself as unadventurous... but I find myself always looking for a home, for a bond...

I have several fears... one is of being lonely and alone... the other is growing old and losing sense of my surroundings, myself... becoming a burden to those around me... I fear i'm not the best I can be... I fear trapping myself in what I want, that what I want eludes me...

But I don't fear fighting for what I believe in... I don't fear honesty, or hard work...

I have come to embrace my tears... but now they no longer stop flowing...

I have come to love my country... but now wonder why I am still here... where it not for my loved ones, my commitments... I think I would be packing my bags now..

I fear I am settling in too soon... I want to discover, I want to shine... I want to be happy...
I want to be content... and I sound like a child... but I grew up a long time ago.. I have accompanied close family members in their final stages, when life is no longer adventure, but one more day that slowly drags by... and I have watched my idols fall from their pedestal... and I love them no less, but I have discovered that each day you have to decide to love again, and I will never take that for granted.

And I have come to accept my imperfections, and am amazed that people love me despite of them.. and I know that even though I do not see life through rose-colored glasses, I can never give up on hope.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Pressure Cooker

Thoughts running through my mind... can't be coherent, can't synthesize... not tonight.





NO security





PRESSURE mounting...

Situation boiling over...