Feeling all grown-up
My birthday passed, and with it all the frustrations that had been building up; and i've been left feeling... not older, but grown-up, stripped of childish illusions and unrealistic deadlines.
It has made me set different time lines for growth and search for new short-term goals. It has made me reconsider what I believed where basic building blocks and has taught me the importance of being flexible, because in the long term exposure to hardships, at least I will not break as I have been doing so far...
This has been an important experience for me, albeit an unkind one, as I have weathered a lot of emotions and expectations and dreams... I have learned that if you expect the solution to come solely from something or someone, you will end up being disappointed, because if you don't find your peace within, you will not find it outside yourself; which is why you shouldn't wait to reach your breaking point to find an alternative way to attain your dreams.
Privacy
I open my car
enter
turn it on
and start driving
to work
But today
I'm tired
and sick
Today,
I need to be alone
I need to cry
I need to sleep
and I want no witness to my pathetic self
So I look for a quiet place
park the car
lower the car seat
and lean back
I see a blue sky
and a tree swaying with the wind
I turn up the music
and close my eyes
and sink...
Deep into oblivion
into privacy
into me
I'm cold
then hot
Scared
and lost
I open my eyes
and look around
and see the blue sky
and the tree
and remember where I am
Thinking of where I want to be
of who I want to be
of what I want to accomplish
of what I can actually do now
I close my eyes
and sneeze
and cough
and blow my nose
again and again
My body revolts
and matches my feverish mind
My heart is worn out
battling the way
into the future
I close my eyes:
I want to forget
I want to dream
I want to awaken
to another reality
I'm parched
I close my eyes
Let the sounds seep in
I take a deep breath:
exhale
inhale
then exhale
Finding a rhythm
searching for a balance
searching for peace...
Time seems frozen
but time has passed by
time for work
And I sit up
adjust the car seat
One last look
at the blue sky
and the tree
and I turn on the car
and resume my journey
Slowly
Silently
Sadly
Proverbs to inspire...
I have never done this before, but I am going to post some of the proverbs cluttered all over my desk.. hope they inspire you... as they do me...
"A prayer for the wild at heart, kept in cages." Tenessee Williams
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by; and that has made all the difference." Robert Frost
"If you find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." John Irving
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity." Henry Van Dyke
"Faites des bêtises, mais faites-les avec enthousiasme!" Colette
"No Regrets"
"Live well, laugh often, love much!"
"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." Petit Prince
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paolo Coelho
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." Paolo Coelho
Mixed up...
Frustration mixed with anticipation... can't wait to start something new... I want to be propelled further down the road... so i'm immersing myself in a myriad of sounds and sights so as to avoid thinking... and i'm not making much sense either... coffee cups come and go and my mind is in over drive... what I want out of life is so different from the expectations of those around me... can't let them get to me, can't let my dreams die... so my mixed up emotions are keeping me from being fully productive, and that's not fair... but have to get some things resolved... have to get to work on the important parts of my list... can cross off horse-back riding...it's a great sport!... and have to move on... move up... plain move.
