A student's thoughts
I rushed to university yesterday, ready to do my best in order to succeed and open new doors for myself.
I want to stay in Lebanon and make a difference in my country; I am not one of those who pine for other lands with better job offers and salaries. I was going to contribute... and now, even the opportunity to better myself and improve my country has been taken away...
Close by, people who were friends a while ago are now at each other's throats. Desks are now painful instruments, sports facilities are now battlefields.
I think we have just failed the most important exam of all, the test of our humanity. And now our soul will be forevermore condemned to study for the qualifying exam before He who knows all things and who taught us that the most important commandment of all, is LOVE.
Escaping Beirut
What was a dull afternoon at work yesterday transformed into an escape from Beirut. I got a call from my boyfriend, saying there was a shootout at the Beirut Arab University and that I should leave Beirut immediately. A few minutes later, the parking guy decided of his own accord to give us all our car keys and advise as to the best route out of Hamra... and all I could think of is how a place of learning, of higher education had succumbed to violence and terror at the hands of the future generation of Lebanon's great citizens...
Phone lines were down, and I was worried since a friend came with me in the morning, and we must now leave together... luckily we crossed each other on the road... As we started to leave, I saw a scary sight, a replay of Tuesday's events, as exits leading to the airport were blocked by burning tires, and young men wearing black masks and holding wooden sticks were standing nearby...
This defies logic, defies morality... Everyone was headed home: for some it meant going to Hamra, for me it meant going to Cornet Chehwan: two opposite directions, but each holding someone dear at the end...
Outside Beirut, the phone lines resumed, and calls from my mother and other concerned people started flooding in... I told them I was on my way home... home... I could not believe what was happening. I really hoped we would never live to see the kind of "war"like situation that the elders are constantly talking about; how they reminisce on their close calls with death, and escaping the "enemy", their fellow citizens...
When I got home, put on the TV, and saw the scene, my heart quenched its tears that threatened to overflow. I started thinking of the students who were not part of the confrontation as well as those who were... A student like so many of my friends, who were overwhelmed with their finals because the semester is nearly over; who were worried because they had exams to prepare for, and papers to give in... They were supposed to be busy with other things... For many, university offers the opportunity for a better life... It is a place of learning, of understanding, of furthering one's self. Yesterday this place was desecrated, transformed into a funeral, mourning the death of common sense... And now, so many of my friends now wish to leave, because they are afraid... they are applying for visas, renewing their passports... and looking abroad for opportunities that should be available to them in their own country.
Is this how we love our country? With snipers on the rooftops terrorizing innocent passer-byes? Is this how we cherish our nation? By aiming at the army? Is this how we celebrate our national unity? By being segregated according to our religion? Is this the future we want for ourselves and our loved ones? A constant escapade?
Diary of a Lebanese Road...
Assaulted in the morning, senses set aflame...
Toxic smoke erupting...
Consuming...
Overwhelming...
I am broken... into parts...
That do not lead to one another anymore...
I am miscommunication...
I am anger...
I am fear...
My gray scarred with black, my white faded...
I am a battlefield of wills...
All are remnants of the past battling for the future...
Insults are traded, rocks are thrown...
Humanity rising with the smoke...
Why?
Yesterday all passed equally above me.
All headed for their different destinations freely...
Caught between the over-zealous and the indifferent...
Mistaking each as the solution...
I am left burning...
Decomposing...
Disappearing...
The sun sets, and the wind rises...
I am still burning...
Inside, I am charred...
There is no going back to yesterday...
and what a way to face tomorrow...
Grey has turned to black, and white is no more...
I have been wounded to the very core.
Biased Media
Over the past few weeks we have been bombarded with visual campaigns from both parties involved in the current power-struggle in our country...
Billboards plastered all over the street are strewn with accusations, figures, statistics and statements... What started as a campaign entitled "I Love Life" was appropriated and became "I Love Life in color / in dignity / without debt" and countless other variations...
If only we had reached the level of political debate in the truest sense of the word, whereby these informational campaigns that appeal to people's intellect would be sufficient to allow them to make an informed decision and to choose rationally which politician to align with and support.
Alas, the dominating factor as always, lies elsewhere... and the campaigns that translated into a heated war of words, provided ammunition for the politicians on the battlefields of the media
with each local TV channel championing the cause of its political founder, and therefore fundamentally flawed in its biased portrayal of the situation in Lebanon, playing out in favor of its sponsor...
And as more of our means of communication succumb to the unscrupulous standards of today's political players, the public loses its sources of information, and left with no other option than
its religious ideologies, or historical alliances, it is caught in a stand-still between the past and the present, while what is really at stake is the future.
Dangling Guidelines
Last week we went for a tour of architectural sites being developed by our company... it was a beautiful day and I discovered an interesting building technique that stuck in my head: dangling objects where suspended all over the construction site... After a little investigation, I found out that they are random objects suspended at the end of a piece of string in order to weigh it down so it is keeps a straight line and allows the buildings walls to be constructed accordingly...
I started to wonder, what are the different things that weigh us down, that keep us going in a certain direction? How often do they change? Or do they? Is it love? Health? Career? Family? Friends? Religion? How important are each of our dangling weights? And how are they helping shape our lives? Is one facet more important than the other? Or is it more important now? And will it change with time? Will the construction of our self, our soul, our life, ever be over? Or will we always be consumed with that mission: perfecting our inner space and elevating it to new standards?
Every once in a while, we need to buy more materials, consider new plans, and meet with the architect... but eventually it is up to us to take the decisions that will allow us to achieve the best result, taking into consideration the budget constraints and the time frame...
Someday... soon?
Life is still on hold, with demonstrations and sit-ins serving as bleak reminders that we are at a stand still and that at any moment our lives will be disrupted again... For a better future, they say; for our children, they say; for ourselves...
I am tired of having to repeat the same thing over and over in a an attempt to achieve it. I sympathize with the people who have exchanged their homes with more temporary ones as tents in Downtown Beirut. But I also need to find closure, I need to believe I am doing the right choice by standing by my country, in my country. I think we all need to feel at home, not as guests.... We all need to contribute to growth... We all need to do the right thing not because we will gain something out of it, but because it is right....
This kind of post is becoming obsolete, because no action is being taken... neither by those for or against the system... and what a system it is... people are caught up in petty re-runs of political stand-offs with different parties allying themselves with former foes or friends... and like soap-operas, there are sometimes dramatic events, but in the end it is a long, boring, process whose actions though entertaining are banal, and have no effect on our daily life.
The people at the bottom of the food chain, the ones these politicians are supposed to serve, are still struggling to make ends meet: to find a decent job, to save enough money to buy a house, to find adequate health care, and to maintain some semblance of a dream in their hearts as they continue to believe that someday it will be alright, someday it won't be as hard, someday they will be judged by their actions not by their religion or political alliance...
Someday... soon?
Overdue thank you
This post goes out to all those who visited this blog and wrote some comments...
Sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge the enormous support you have given me... Sometimes we are so self-absorbed that we fail to recognize that mutual support is the key to a better quality of life. Coming to this realization has made me aware that I in turn, should also be helping out... Therefore, i have added new links from this Blog to the people whose inspiring words and pictures have broadened my horizons and provided food for thought or simply delved into that shadowy part of the soul that scares even the most brave... Thank you...
Heaven has new angels
Heaven has 2 new angels today, Aline's Teta + Josephine's Teta.
Today words are failing me; all i can say is that false hope is the worst feeling of all. Believe it or not, Aline's Teta was supposed to be discharged today. Maybe she was discharged from this earth-bound life to one of eternal glory and salvation.
What is sure is that we have now gained 2 new angels, who will pray and look out for their families from above. Aline and Josephine's Tetas, if you meet my Teta, will you say hello?
As for those left behind, they have but a memory to comfort them, and the knowledge that they are now in the hands of God.
Today, i'll say a little prayer for you, and for all the loved ones who are here no more... know that we carry you in our hearts wherever we go.
We are Living Stones!
I recently returned home from a Camp called Living Stones that was held in Mondaye, France, under the theme of Seek and Pursue Peace... It was a great occasion to meet people from the Middle East (Jordan, Syria, Palestine) and Europe (France, Italy, Slovenia, Portugal, Belgium) and to share and relate our different experiences as well as our understanding of peace and its implications.
I was very happy to discover that many people feel concerned by the turmoil Lebanon is swamped in and that they are wary of the media coverage and are anxious to get a real perspective from its citizens. Most are praying and reaching out with compassion to human beings like themselves that happen to live in a country which is finding itself.
There were several high points in the camp: the international evening, the visit to Mont St. Michel, and especially the visits to the American and German cemeteries respectively. In the latter, we found a quote by Albert Schweitzer saying that the graves of soldiers are the greatest initiators of peace... There, surrounded by so many tombs, the identified and the the unidentified lying side by side, I prayed...
I prayed for those who have died as a result of conflict, whose bodies are still trapped under the ruins and abandoned in the fields... I prayed for those left behind, burdened by the knowledge of their beloved's death or the absence of news... I prayed that their deaths would not be in vain... and I prayed that we would not repeat the incidents that led to their death.
I could imagine, that in some point in time, a young woman like me, would have stood where I was now, and mourn the passing of her brother, father, or husband who lay buried there... She would ponder the meaning of his sacrifice, she would weigh the price of his life with the geo-political gain that had been derived from it. And I believe she would be left wanting justification.
We left the Camp as Living Stones, called to testify, to be the solid rock foundation in our countries scattered over the globe about peace. We are Living Stones, we affirm that dialog and understanding yield results. We believe that a common humanity and love of life inhabits our spirit and that despite cultural and linguistic barriers, we can contribute to alleviating each other's suffering.
Siamo Pietre vive,
Wir sind Lebendige steine,
Nous sommes Pierres Vivantes,
We are Living Stones!
