100th Post
If there's anything I've learnt throughout this past year is that time is everything... and nothing...
Numbers, deadlines, anniversaries, months, years, bank statements, kilometers driven, lunches, dinners, meetings... they all take on a magical quality when we add on an "
expectation" to those otherwise dry factual numbers... then they become imbued with
hope.
I used to give great value to dates, every great accomplishment could only be measured by its timeline, and flexibility to adapt itself to all the other circumstancial factors that affect our interconnected lives...
Any missed appointment was a self-inflicted failure, every adjustment or delay was a challenge to overcome. Today better than tomorrow, to get things done.
F l o w i n g, simply b e i n g, and l e t t i n g g o did not exist in my lexicon. I believed that by sheer dedication and will power, I could bend the universe... I could resist any pain, any person, any situation...
I was in a fight against time. I had been in a relationship with someone younger than me, so I was already in a losing battle.. and was always looking to make up for lost time... afraid that time would pass me by... and that I would be left behind...
I started to view myself through that lens... by the time i'm ## I should have accomplished this or that or the other... if i'm not engaged/married by this age, then I would have failed my commitment to myself... if i don't start work after ## months of returning to Lebanon, I would be lazy and reliant on my parents...
If I... if by then I hadn't... if this time passes... if the future becomes the past... if if if if iFIFIFIF
Then the unimaginable happened... and time stopped.
Suddenly there was a
now.
Apparently things can get out of hand despite all
timely efforts.
And you discover...
that
past endeavors are no guarantee for
future success and fulfillment...
that time is warped, making years of commitment fade into memory and amplifying months of separation into entire years...
that letting go can seem like abandoning future dreams, leaving you touching your way out of a dark foggy corridor, that knows no end...
and that when all is said and done, you have to live fully every moment... so that no matter if it goes your way or not, you would not have failed yourself...
Today I write my 100th post on this blog, and I renew my promise to myself, to live every moment fully, to discover life's intricacies, to challenge myself, to let go, to ready myself without tying myself to expectations, to flow, and to cherish those around me... and to always always write from the heart.
Silent Prayer
Yesterday, I went to pick up my parents from the airport, and as I stood waiting for them to emerge from behind those sliding doors, I could not help but think of all those times when I was returning to Barcelona after some trip and would have no one waiting for me at the airport... and I felt very sad...For me, the best part of landing, or coming home, was having someone to greet you, whose eyes glistened with happiness at the sight of you, safe and sound, just a warm embrace away...
Today, I offer a silent prayer for the people who died in Beirut...
in that plane that took off, but never landed...
for those passengers who reached a different destination...
that some might still call home...
thank you*
Today I take a moment to humbly acknowledge and thank those special women who have helped me through my tumultuous journey last year. I recognize that although it was a great challenge, I was not abandoned, and have somehow emerged with a patched up heart, confident spirit and an abundance of hope.
This post is a humble thank you from the bottom of my heart to those unique women who were there for me, who appeared next to each cross-road, each dark cave, and every mountain summit... women i had not known before, some i had taken for granted, some whom i will never meet again... and some who have departed to the soul realm.
I was surprised by their strength, their no-nonsense attitude, their honesty and their kindness, but mostly by their generosity... they listened, patiently, to my sobs, to my pleas, to my ramblings... and they offered me their positive energy and prayers. * They held me, when rocked by fear, i was crouching within the confines of my soul, revisited by ghosts of long ago: namely the Ghost of Abandonement, the Ghost of Solitude, and the Ghost of Failure. * They nudged me into the sunlight and let me bask in the warmth of their friendship. * They reminded me of the infinite possibilities waiting for me... that the choice was mine, to accept, to resist, to let go, or to give in - and that whatever choice was the right one as long as i was being true to myself. * They took out the dusty pieces in me, the ones i overlooked, and showed me how beautiful they could be. * They told me it was never too late to start over, that dreams are timeless, and hope eternal. * They saw the warrior in me, and kept my fighting will alive. * They gave me a compass and waited for me to plot my future path. * They were there for me, in each in her own special way, at a totally unique moment, at the most needed times.
For these angels, disguised as mothers, sisters, friends... i lift a silent prayer of thanks, asking that many blessings be sent your way... as i too promise to pay it forward...
Dedicated to AA-V-HM-FM-WA-LM-SB
it's a new day
...and i return, to my long lost blog, like a lover sneeks under the covers to enjoy the warmth of their partner... and the way the earth drinks in every drop of rain, after a long drought...
since i last posted here, i have finished my Masters, returned from Barcelona, and had enough changes to last me a lifetime... i am single, after a 5 year relationship, and i am searching for my life purpose...
i have immersed myself in a full spectrum of feelings, from loneliness to hope and am battered by the process... and i look again, at a changing world, at a changing heart, at a changing life...
and i accept it...
it has taken me great courage to accept... for i am a natural born warrior... and letting go does not come easily... but somehow i trust that it will all turn out well in the end...
and so i come here, to this battlefield, to this honest place, to this sanctuary, and i write...
for me, for whoever wants to listen. but mostly because i realized how much i love it, and how i believe it is the key to my soul... that is now in flight... destination unknown.
